Dear TSA

Dear TSA,
I appreciate the fact that security has beefed up in light of recent terrorist threats. But come on, my bra should not set off the metal detectors. Thanks for making the trip home a little more interesting with the pat down and the over the tshirt examination of my boobs. Perhaps I should travel without a bra on?

Just tryin' to get fresh?
Frequent traveler

Dear Daniel, part deux

The souffle chef (sans teeth)

Member of dinner party feeding souffle chef

Member of dinner party helping Daniel with his presentation of the menu

Dear Daniel, part deux,

Upon further reflection of pictures from my phone, I realize why you were so nervous. We were total obnoxious jackholes. We made you bring out the souffle chef, we fed the souffle chef, we drank a magnum of wine, and we helped you describe the menu to other patrons. But hey- you amde over 20%, so I'd like to think we are still friends. I will facebook you; afterall, you did sign the wine bottle with us. Thanks for putting up with us. Food was delish!

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol,

Full bellies

Dear Firefighters

Dear Firefighters,
Once a year, you descend upon the streets of Indianapolis in all of your glory. You go out drinking til the wee hours, spend your government per diem on hookers, wings and beer, and make the ladies in Indy get bikini waxes. And you also roll up in to town in some pretty pimp rides. I must admit, when I saw an ambulance pull up to the Canterbury, I was not expecting 8 bags of luggage to emerge from the back. Kudos to you, fighters or the fire. Keep on spending the dollars. We have 3 stadiums to pay for!

Naptown Rocks,
Showmaster

Dear Daniel and Larry

Dear Daniel and Larry,
Oh what a night. I am not sure what I enjoyed more; how nervous we made you Daniel, or how Larry the Lobster loved being pet so much. Larry- you lived to see another day. We did not consume you. Daniel, people make you nervous, which makes me question why you are on staff at a 5-star restaurant. Your hands were shaking and you spoke so fast I could not understand a word out of your mouth. But you did keep the drinks coming and give us a laugh. And yea, maybe we were a little obnoxious. But you won me over with petting Larry while walking us through the menu. I heart you. Don't worry, we will be facebook friends.

Bon Appetite!
Larry Lover

Dear Tetris-shaped bushes owner

Dear Tetris-shaped bushes owner,
I appreciate your public devotion to the game in your front yard...but...don't you think that looks a little odd? I mean, your guests must walk through a shrub cave to get to your front door. Why not....cut them so they are all level? One can only imagine what the siding looks like behind there, let alone the bugs. When you live on a busy street, its a nice idea to keep your house looking nice and neat...but not Tetris-neat.

I like clean lines,
Bob Villa

Dear Farmers

Dear Farmers,
I now know where transformers came from! They came from farm equipment. Your equipment looks kinda ok and then you put your farm equipment to work and this small tractor becomes a piece of equipment that can block 4 lanes of highway!!! I love the mid west!! I'm ok with the traffic disruption.

Thank you Farmers,
A Consumer

Dear Lady in the Red Pajamas

Dear Lady in the Red Pajamas,
You made my day. I was driving to work in a crappy mood when I saw you chasing and shooing your ducks across the road. You were very intent on getting your ducks home and they were intent on waddling down 450 North. Thanks for making me laugh and getting your precious ducks back home!

Love,
the Lady who stopped traffic for you.

PS where do you get those jammies??? Rural King?

Dear Back to the Future

Dear Back to the Future,
Thank you for the laugh. The green, pink, yellow lettering really took me back. For a second, I thought it just might be Michael J Fox in the drivers seat. Window paint should really be outlawed for this very reason. Just because you driver a Lancer that vaguely resembles the vehicle from the movie does not mean you should write it on your car.

To infinity and beyond,

ME

Dear Glee

Dear Glee,
Welcome back. I'm especially looking forward to the Madonna episode and the classic spitfire rants of Sue Sylvester. And, as glad as I am to reconnect with favorites (Rachel, Puck), I would really appreciate some more screen time for the lesser players: I'm talking about you Other Asian and Brittany.

Becky Jackson for Head Cheerleader,
Kyle

Dear Man in Madras Print Suit

Dear Man in Madras Print Suit,
Douchebags anonymous called after you ran out on the meeting. You look fucking ridiculous. If you wore that in my neighborhood you would be shot. For being a douche. Next time you rifle through your closet for another fashion tradgedy try to pick something that doesn't look like a picnic vomited on you.

My eyes hurt,
Enjoying the weather

Dear Cell Phone Asshole,

Dear Obnoxious Guy on His Cell for 5 Minutes on the SILENT floor of the library,

Yeah, that's right. I just disgustingly put a piece of sushi the size of my fist in my mouth in front of you because if you're going to be rude and talk on your phone so the whole floor can hear, I'm going to be rude and eat like a circus creature in front of you. Take that.

STUFF IT!

~me

Dear Body

Dear Body,
Do you know how much it sucks that you are getting older? The knee hurts when I run. I can't sleep at night. I wake up to pee 2-3 time a night. AND the liver is not as strong as it used to be. It also now takes days to recover from a 2am night. STOP getting old, and stay the way you are, please. I enjoy karaoking until the wee hours of the morning as well as making an ass of myself on the dancefloor "riding the pony".

Forever young,
ME

Dear Lady on her Cell Phone While Pooping at Work

Dear Lady on her Cell Phone While Pooping at Work,
Whoa. That is like a triple faux...pooh. I am horrified. At least I had the good sense to wash my hands before running out while you coordinated dropping the kids off at the pool...in multiple ways.

VOMIT IN MY MOUTH,
Co-worker

Dear Man Playing the Flute While Walking Down the Street

Dear Man Playing the Flute While Walking Down the Street,
I like that you felt under-accessorized with your reed flute/recorder as you walk down L St and you decided to jazz up the outfit with the red crocheted "man satchel". Nothing says manly like walking down the street playing a reed flute in sandals with a purse.

Rock on modern man, I need coffee

Dear Post Office

Dear Post Office on M Street,
Thank you for cranking the sexy time jams on the intercom. While waiting in line for 20 minutes to mail two envelopes, I was soothed by the sultry melodies of some late 90's R&B songs, some of which I distinctly remember NOT dancing to at middle and high school dances. Now normally I dig the old motown and Bob Marley you have playing, but today must be a special day. Next time you play some slow, sweet, saxy jams dim the lights and pass out some dixie cups of cognac. People will be making love connections faster than you can sell those Forever Stamps. If you're not offering service with a smile, at least it can sound like you're offering service with a happy ending.

It WAS as good for me as it was for you.
~Pleased poster

Dear Charles

Dear Charles the Crossing Guard,
I love you. Yep, you brighten my morning by saying things like, "You always have the most beautiful smile." And, the classic question as I eat oatmeal out of a red Solo cup, "You got Hennessy in there?" No sir, I do not generally drink alcohol on my way to work, but thank you for asking. I understand how the disposable party cup might throw you off, and I do walk past three liquor stores on my way to the metro so perhaps I might need a little pep in the morning, but I typically wait until at least noon before a little happy hour. I highly enjoy our awkward morning exchanges, for example, "I didn't know you wear glasses?" Sir, not sure you really know my name let alone the status of my vision issues. I remember your name because I got sick of saying good morning for six months without knowing yours so I just asked and now you're in the awkward position of not wanting to ask me mine again. Nonetheless, my day doesn't start without some coffee and an awkward/pleasant conversation with you about the weather, my breakfast, or any other sundry compliments you feel the need to tell me. If I were about 30 years older, I'd let you buy me some Hennessy for my oatmeal cup.
Thanks for being a friendly face,
~Ms. Sunshine

Dear readers

Dear readers,
WE ARE UP OVER 100 posts! Thanks for the submissions! Keep 'em coming!

Grateful,
Editor

Dear Patient In The Waiting Room

Dear Patient In The Waiting Room,
While it is lovely that you've so thoughtfully arrived before your appointment time, showing up 90 minutes before said appointment will not get you in to see our doctor sooner. You see, the policy in this office is that we don't make people who show up at the right time wait because you decided to get creative with your schedule. I'm not saying we won't slide you in if there is a no-show, but what is more likely to happen is that we will get behind and not only will you wait the 90 minutes until your appointment time, but you will also wait until we can get to you. This brings me to the main issue...don't sit in the chair across from my fishbowl window and stare at me for two hours while I work. It's creepy.

Thanks,
A Fish Not Called Wanda

Dear Stephen the Safeway Bagger

Dear Stephen the Safeway Bagger,
I don't know if you're new to the "bagging" scene, and I know there's all kinds of talk of "tea bagging" here in Washington, but I think you're confused. The cardinal rule of bagging groceries is NEVER PUT THE FUCKING BANANAS AT THE BOTTOM OF 30 LBS OF GROCERIES. It's not that tough. You just try not to squish things like bread, eggs, bananas, etc. with the gallon jug of OJ and 20 frozen dinners. Perhaps you like bruised bananas, but they make me gag. I don't pay 58 cents a pound to test my gag reflex.

Thank you for ignoring the bloody obvious,
Brown Banana Blues

Dear Snackwells

Dear Snackwells,
A serving size is not "one cookie". THAT is bullshit. Who do you think you are making cookies for chubby ladies and telling them to eat only one?! Clearly we buy them because we have self control issues.

WTF,
Junk in my Trunk

Dear NCAA "experts", ESPN announcers and POTUS

Dear NCAA "experts", ESPN announcers and POTUS,
Thank you so much for your support. You "expertise" in picking Siena to beat Purdue, simply because Robbie Hummel was out, demonstrated a complete lack of respect for and helped motivate, one of the best "teams" in the country. Since most of you apparently don't know much about basketball, it takes 5 players, not just one, to make a team. That is the beauty of the Boilermakers, they are a team. Is Robbie not playing a loss? Yes! Does that mean the team is no longer any good? Doesn't look that way, as the Boilers not only beat Siena, they also took care of TX A&M. So since I am sure you can't believe it, FYI, we are playing at 9:57 PM on Friday night.
Moving forward, please, stick to your areas of expertise, which would appear to be ditch digging, dumpster diving and bankrupting the US economy. We will see you all on Friday! BOILERUP!!!!

Sincerely,
Purdue Pete

Dear "Sports Nation"

Dear "Sports Nation",
BTFU! For those non-Purdue almunus, that's Boiler the F*ck Up! For those 68% of you out there in the ESPN Sports Nation who thought that Purdue would lose to Siena (including you Obama), suck it!!! Sweet 16, baby! I believe, if you look at the bracket, that is one round further than Kansas, Villanova and Georgetown advanced.
You know, they named a street at Purdue after Chris Kramer. That day, 7 people died crossing that street. You know why, well, because NO ONE crosses Chris Kramer!

Bring on the Blue Devils,
Ms. Boilermaker

Dear Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger Woods,
I can't believe I am wasting a second blog post on you, but your recent, and first since "the scandal" interview has prompted me to write again. I must admit, having a PR degree, I can firmly say, its about damn time you did an interview. But lets be serious, YOU HAVE TO ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS. "That's personal." I espeically loved the way that you avoided mentioning that you went to sec rehab, you simply "had treatment." Loved the way you came back to the fact you "lost your way from Buddhism." When in doubt, go to religion. I think its quite hilarious you are most nervous about the way the fans will react to you. You should be scared. They are going to eat you alive. You don't even have a sponsor for your golf bag! So instead of working on repairing those relationships, as well as those with your fan base, youa re busy sueing a company who made a blow-up doll based on you. Hilarious. You gotta take the heat, El Tigre. But kudos on your first interview, with ESPN. Next stop, OPRAH!

2 weeks 'til the Masters,
Golfer

PS- I thinks its hilarious you are not mentioned or show in a SINGLE Master's commercial!

Dear Young Lost Kid on the Bus

Dear Young Lost Kid on the Bus,
Please stop texting me. I gave you my number after I helped you into a cab in case you had some other catastrophe with your wasted cousins who left you at the bus stop. I don't want to keep in touch. Please stop over using emoticons as well. I'm not interested in you, I'm just friendly and Mid-western.

Best of luck in your sophomore year of college in Jersey,
Ms. Helpful

Dear Overkill

Dear Overkill,

I fully support your voracious appetite for current events. Truly, kudos to you. As I see you're reading the paper, you may be aware that it is in fact the year 2010. We have technology now that allows you to see while wearing only one pair of glasses. You should check it out. I bet there's an ad for Dr. Tavel somewhere in that paper you're reading!

Pass me the sports section please,
~subway rider

Dear Crazy Mannequin Lady

Dear Crazy Mannequin Lady,

Well, it appears you are right on schedule with your crazy pills today. It took you a solid ten minutes to drag your little metal cart to the exact spot you wanted next to your tiny table in this tiny Soho restaurant like a dog circling before laying down. I'm impressed you waited five minutes before raising your freak flag though. The wait must have been tough. I must say, when you brought out the sequined mannequin head because you "don't like to eat alone", it was the most entertaining part of my day. I appreciate that you topped of the crazy by wearing a white spaghetti strap tank top with no bra because you wanted to air out your uber hairy NBA player armpits and feel the breeze on your furry arm mole. My hawk eyed vision paired with my sensitive gag reflex made choking down my lunch a bit tough as I saw your silver hamster armpits rustle in the spring air. Thankfully the breeze was not strong enough to carry the scent of your undoubtedly au naturale armpits. I'm sure your eccentricity brightened the days of all of the busy strangers you stopped on the street as they passed your table and wearily listened to you explaining how you hate to eat alone and so your bring your Vegas-show-girl tranny head out to eat lunch with you. Thank you for eavesdropping too and listening in to our conversations with your injections and opinions. Shh...do you hear that? Do you recognize that tone? It's sarcasm, the same tone you heard when you told us all about your creepy dolls and we said, "That's nice".

Pack up your crazy and bother some other diner please,
~Let me eat my Indian food in peace please

P.S. When you went to the bathroom the entire restaurant, especially your waiter, enjoyed watching our little photo session with your creepy inanimate companion.

Dear Census 2010

Dear Census 2010,
What a huge let down. All of the news stories. All of the commericals. "Fill the form out immediately and return. Be honest; help your community get grant money." I was kinda pumped to receive the form in the mail. BUT...wah wah wah. Guess what, I am single, live alone and ....gasp....WHITE! Boooo! I am not helping my community the least. Now that I think about it, I should have listed 8 people on the form and made them all a minority. Now THAT, is helping my community.

For the good of the people,
Tax Payer

Dear County of Decatur

Dear County of Decatur,
I admit, I was speeding on the bypass, and I deserved the ticket. With that admission, I agree to pay the fine. Oh, how convenient, you can pay this ticket online! Awesome. But wait, I have to call your office between the house of 8am and 4pm to get the cause number to complete the form online to pay the fine. WTF. How is that any more efficient for any of the parties involved. F-U. You will be receiving my check via snail mail. I am not paying a "flat convenience fee" to pay my ticket online when it is NOT convenient.

Screw you,
Lead Foot

Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer,
YOU SUCK!!!! You attack people without any thought to who they are. You are one selfish BASTARD. You eat at peoples lives and families and deserve to be CONQUERED! I will relish the day you are no longer the one in power.

F-U,
the friend of one of your too many victims

Dear email client

Dear email client,
It has taken count it, 25 minutes for my email to reboot this morning. Not only that, but it has taken 35 minutes for the PC to be functional. WTF. Do you know what the great "productivity loss" is during March Madness? INCAPABLE MACHINES. So, the Man, that being said, why don't you go ahead and invest in your employees and get us machines with capables programs and capable hard drives so we can get work done...instead of writing rant blog entries.

Thanks,
Just tryin' to do some work here!

Dear lame ass

Dear lame ass,
I really enjoyed the text today "how is your head feeling today?" Funny, I feel fine. I have no headache, no hangover. I feel fantastic. Guess what, when I called you a dick last night, I wasn't drunk, I was being Irish, which is what I am. Get over it.

Póg mo thóin,
O'Sasshole

Dear convertible-truck guy

Dear covertible-truck guy,
While drinking Pabst and shooting your fake deer in the backyard, it probably sounded like a great idea.
"I betcha I could get more chicks if I cut off the roof of my truck and made it a convertible!"
"How're we gonna do that?"
"Ya have any tools, like a hand saw?"
"Hell yea, Brother. Let's get it on."
"When I scoop the deuce-nickle, the chicks are gonna wanna hop in MY ride at Lincoln Skate Center! And they won't get out at Taco Bell!"
Well guess what, your dumbass drunk idea is totally impractical. How many months out of the year can you actually use your "pimp ride?" Let alone its a Chevy S-10 truck, Com'on. Seriously? Are you just that redneck? It looks totally lame. And its really a good thing you park it at the back of the Marsh parking lot, wouldn't want anyone to hit that piece of hillybilly glory.

Loving my sunroof,
me

Dear Zen Guy

Dear Zen Guy,
Please shut up. You're loud, annoying and full of yourself. Please stop calling yourself enlightened, you're too mad to be enlightened. And I'm not going to be your follower when you get in my face and interrupt my life to tell me shit I've heard ten thousand times. Stop telling me about all the people you've trained and how special you are. You've told me. I already know. And I am NOT going to be more into meditation because you force it on me. What ever happened to live and let live? It's time to put your big kid panties on and get over yourself. I like you less and less every day that you try to overwhelm people with your incessant ranting. And please, turn down the volume. Apparently you never learned about "inside voices". You are always talking about going to live in a cave. Well, I think now is the time, and the world will be better off.

Being loud and annoying wont make me do anything,
L

Dear girls in locker room at gym

Dear girls in locker room at gym,
Please stop taking pictures of yourself in the room while others are trying to change. It makes some of us uncomfortable, and I'm pretty sure you could find a better back drop for your self portraits in your phone.

Thanks,
Gym-Go'er

Dear smokers

Dear smokers,
Please dispose of your cigarette butts in the appointed trash cans designated and marked for you, not in the parking lots. Again, they are marked for cigarette butts, just for you. Please use them. Thinking of all the baby birds that are going to ingest those and die! And, I hate looking at them on the ground outside your car that you instist on smoking in.

Thanks,
Mgmt

Dear spring

Dear spring,
Where are you? Did you take a wrong turn? Did you see your shadow? Just in case you were wondering, it is mid-March, and it is time for thunderstorms and hail, not grey and cold and snow flurries. It is time for leaves on trees and little flowers to pop up, and the weeds in the yard to show their face. Please, wake up from your nap. We need you.

Seasonal Depression sucks,
ME

Dear textsfromlastnight.com

Dear textsfromlastnight.com,
I must admit, I forgot about you for a few weeks. I just re-discovered you, and damn, you are hilarious. I am back to being hooked again.

Thanks for the laugh,
ME

Dear O'Shea

Dear O'Shea,
You really had me fooled. I thought you were a great guy with potential, until you dropped the "Oh yea, I have a live-in girlfriend, we've been together for 6 years" bomb. What the hell? You had several opportunities to share that important tidbit. FAIL. I am sure you are "different from the rest" and that you are "unhappy with your life at home," but its the same old story, same old song and dance. I really don't feel sorry for you because you "feel sorry for her and are with her out of pity" and you feel like you are "wasting years of your life." I'm sure it is just "easier to not rock the boat" and that you "really felt a connection with me" and that I "brought a spark back in you that has been lost for a long time," but that sure as shit doesn't change the situation. You further FAILED with a text message 4 days after I told you peace out that said "I wake up every morning not able to keep myself from thinking about you." Do you think those words will change my mind? I agree, you have some serious shit to figure out with your full-time dog sitter, but leave me out of it. BTW- I don't buy I am the first person you have met on the road. You are on the road 36 weeks out of the year. I really hope this dog sitter at home isn't as dumb as you seem to think she is. Get over yourself and your "guilt." And if you do get up the courage to make a change, don't bother calling. Actually, forget my number. I forgot yours.

Wasn't born yesterday,
Me

Dear Chi-town or bust

Dear Chi-town or bust,
WTF!?! Did you really paint your car to go to Oprah? That may be the lamest window paint I have ever seen. I can only hope someone did that as a prank. Hey, that's a really good idea actually!

Fueling up,
65 driver

Dear Postal Employees and Customers

Dear Postal Employees and Customers,
I know that the process for getting stamps and sending packages is unbelievably complicated. I mean, you have it prepped, take it to the counter and pay, but could you please, remember that some folks have better things to do than stand and watch you try and see how much stuff you can cram in an express envelope. Or write out your check after you have told your life story to the clerk. And Clerks, get these people moving, if they aren't ready, bump them and go to somebody who is. Is it any wonder that the USPS is going to lose $7bln this year and that mail has dropped 40mln pieces in the last year. Idiots sending snail mail and clerks who are just there waiting to retire make it very customer unfriendly.

Sincerely,
The Postmaster General

Dear Administrative Assistant

Dear Administrative Assistant,
I know you are a late 40's/early50's divorcee who thinks she is a Cougar, but can you please, remember this is a work place. No one wants to see your fake and bake, stretch mark covered body while we are walking by your desk. Please, talk to your kids and ask them to honestly tell you if your clothing is appropriate for your age before you leave the house. If they are ever honest with you, they will say, resoundingly, "NO"!

Always,
Fashionista

Dear Wendy's Drive Thru Customer/Idiot

Dear Wendy's Drive Thru Customer/Idiot,
As you sit there wondering why the workers are not coming on to take your order, I can only say that you need to pull up to where the microphone is and not sit and stare at the preliminary menu. That is there so you can have your damn mind made up when you get to the order station. The last couple of days have truly demonstrated to me that you should have to go through some sort of licensing procedure to be allowed to procreate.

Sincerely,
Waiting in line behind your dumb ass

Dear Drug Store Entrepreneurs

Dear Drug Store Entrepreneurs,
As I sit next to you and listen to your "brilliant" idea of getting more Oxycontin at the Franklin and Columbus CVS, because they won't know you were just at the Edinburgh CVS, I can only wonder if the internet is as foreign a concept to you as regular bathing!!! The aroma of stale cigarette smoke is only over powered by your perfume. I believe I have seen it on the counter at Macy's and it is called "Eau de' Hooker"

Best of luck with your ingenious business ideas,
Bored and Sick

Dear Friends,

Those of you who know me understand that I keep to myself quite a bit. I don’t make it out as much as some. I’d rather cook dinner at home then go to a restaurant. I haven’t had sex in a while, but I’m pretty sure that that’s okay because maybe I do it better than anyone else (okay, that may be a stretch).

I don’t have pets for the same reason that I don’t have kids. They’re too much fucking work for me and God knows that with the aforementioned activities, I really don’t have much time on my hands. (Although I may have other things on my hands…get it? That’s another masturbation reference.)

Pets make many people happy, and again, like kids, I enjoy other people’s pets (don’t take either of those out of context although it may be difficult with all this masturbation talk going on. That's 3). Point being, they’re fun because I’m smarter than them, and you can give them back at the end of the day.

I said that to say this: If I EVER come to a point in my life where entrusting the life of a pet to me is a legitimate possibility, and let’s say, I take on a dog that I name Brandon (because people names for pets is funny), and Brandon needs to be fed, and I buy food to give to him…if, when I give it to him, I talk to Brandon like it’s a fucking Beneful commercial…you as my friends must kill me.

That is all.

XOXO,

-r

PS. In writing this post, I found that if you misspell masturbation, MS Word automatically fixes it for you. God love software engineers.

Dear Walmart Shopper girl

Dear Walmart Shopper girl,
I realize that Saturday morning is an extremely casual time and that rolling out of bed is a major accomplishment. However, I must protest when I see you and your extreme fake and bake tan, ass the size of 2 country hams, silk boxer shorts that are creeping where they shouldn't because they are 2 sizes 2 small and UGGGH boots on, walking through the cookie aisle. My God woman, do you not realize how ridiculous you look? I saw enough cellulite to sink a battle ship! Do you not realize that there are children in Walmart who will likely now be in therapy and on Zyprexa for the rest of their natural born lives from seeing this sight?!?!? The Good Lord only know how many grandma's and grandpa's you sent running for the nursing homes! Please, in the name of all that is holy, never go out in public looking like that again. It is events like this that make be believe we have way too many participants in the gene pool.

Love ya,
What should be, but obviously isn't, your common sense

Dear the Greatest Sports Town in America, Pittsburg

Dear the Greatest Sports Town in America, Pittsburg,
There has been some debate for years over who has the greatest sports fans, is it Chicago, St. Louis, Philadelphia etc. As of last night, the votes are in and that crown belongs to the people of Pittsburg PA. During introductions for the Pittsburg Penguins game last night, Pittsburgh booed their own player, recent Canadian Olympian, Sidney Crosby, who just happened to score the winning goal against team USA in the gold medal game. They then went on to give a standing ovation to Buffalo Sabres and US Olympic team goalie, Ryan Miller!!! Now that is what I call having your priorities straight!!! Very tough love coming from a working class American city!! Pro team allegiance aside, your country comes first!!!

God Bless America
Uncle Sam

Dear Little Debbie

Dear Little Debbie,
It is that time of year - Easter cake time! You have managed to create a delicious sugary treat for every possible holiday throughout the year. I see them near the check out lane, in all their impulse purchase glory. I of course, succumb to the confectionery delight, not to mention the extra caloric intake. How do you make them all so wonderfully delicious and irresistible? If I could marry an Easter cake, I think I would. Thank you for the delicious afternoon snack...and sometimes evening dessert.

Sugar-high,
diabetic

Dear Wal-Mart shoppers

Dear Wal-Mart shoppers,
You have left nothing to your fellow shoppers imaginations, middle-aged Wal-Mart shoppers. 2 new pillows, check. New navy blue sheets, check. 5 minute battle over whether or not to buy KY Intense, check. Have fun grandma and grandpa. I am going to go throw up my dinner now. Thanks for the new diet.

Ew.
Me

Dear bankrupt local bank

Dear bankrupt local bank,
It totally sucks you managed yourself so poorly you went under. It sucks even more we have to pay for it, with a new card, new account numbers, new pins, and new late charges because some of us are responsible and have bills paid automatically every month because our card was denied due to a new card being issued! YOU SUCK.

My new debit card is ugly,
bill-payer

Dear Little Richard

Dear Little Richard,
Celebrity card dealer by day, karaoke performer by night! I LOVE YOU LAS VEGAS! Where else can you see such entertainment? NO WHERE! Only at the Imperial Palace, baby!

A once a year must,
Cher

Dear Grandma in line at security

Dear Grandma in line at security,
Have you traveled since the invention of the airplane? I am guessing you go to Las Vegas via plane, so you have to know the rules provided, for our safety, from TSA. You can not bring more than 3 oz of liquids on the plane. So...that being said, pretty sure the liter of Smirnoff you tried to bring through in your purse is a no go. As the security guard says "people, the party stops here, folks!" I have to admire your spunk though.

Viva Las Vegas,
Elvis

Dear Val

Dear Val,
Thanks so much for leaving a little reminder of you in my suitcase. I really enjoyed putting on my tshirt to go running, only to smell cat piss. I looked down, the entire front of the shirt was stained with your disgusting urine. Thanks for the reminder that you need to become an outdoor pet when I come home.

Hope you enjoy cold weather,
your mom

Dear Man in the Bowler Hat

Dear Man in the Bowler Hat,

You really stepped it up today, heh? I appreciate your sense of style, and your flair for accessories. From the neck up you look so cool, because you're being uncool. You're playing that hipster mind game of how uncool can be compound exponentially to create levels of cool that are beyond the average person's comprehension. You were doing so well until you decided to throw on jeans, sneakers, and a fleece with the bowler hat as you push your kid's stroller around town. From a distance, it's intriguing, but as you approach I heard the sad horns play, "Wha wha wha". Epic fail in the fashion department.

I'm just sayin'....
~Boo to the Bowler

P.S. You do NOT look cool like Pierce Brosnan in "The Crown Affair" in case that was the look you were going for. IF he were to push his kid in a stroller, it would be made by Porsche, remote controlled, and he'd wear an Italian suit. Let that marinate a little before you pick out your next fashion combo.

Dear Bananas

Dear Bananas,

I'm not ready to commit to saying I love you, but I like you, well...most of you. I appreciate that you are nutritious and 58 cents a pound, but the brown spots are so unnecessary. You've got that great comic appeal (get it, a peel), but you make me gag when I eat the squishy, sugary, brown parts. You would think that the brown sugary bit would be delicious, like chocolate or coca cola, but no. It's just like Slimer from Ghost Busters punching me in the back of the throat. Ew. I would really appreciate if you could work on growing a thicker skin so when I throw in my purse you don't turn to pudding before it's time to eat you for my afternoon snack.

Thoughtfully yours,
Gagging in the library

P.S. Also, if you could work on not giving me heartburn too that'd be swell.

Dearsoandsoyouknowhoyouare

Dearsoandsoyouknowhoyouare,
Kudos for printing letters you don't agree with aka: Global Warming. It takes a strong blogger to post views you know are a bit bogus. Keep up the good work and I look forward to new cattiness.

XOXO,
your mom

Dear USA Hockey Team

Dear USA Hockey Team,
YOU GUYS ROCK! After all the trash the Canadians talked; "we invented the game and dominate the game," they lost 5-3! Take that, Canada!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Team USA fan

Dear Delta (and ATL airport)

Dear Delta (and ATL airport),
Do you realize you suck? Hmmm....you probably do, based on the number of people screaming at you right now. Don't be mad at us, its not our fault you decided to not let planes land this morning, and there is a long line of people who missed there flight even though flight attendants assured us that all planes are delayed. Here is a hint to make the day a little less stressful: quit talking to one another, and do your job handling customer questions. Four of you helping one person only pisses us in line off more.

Trying to navigate the unfriendly skies,
Frequent Traveler

Dear NBC

Dear NBC,
I am confused, can you please help me understand the rationale? Do you think more people, on a Sunday night, would rather watch ICE DANCING or one of the biggest hockey games of the Olympics, US vs Canada?? AND THE US IS ACTUALLY WINNING! Seriously, ice dancing is like a stronger form of Ambien to me. I am already yawning. Bad call NBC, bad call. I am not a huge fan of hockey, but its better than lame-ass dancing on ice, which you have been hyping on cable networks all weekend with Lady Gaga music on under the voice over. VOMIT.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL,
Lady Gaga

Dear Canada

Dear Canada,

Your creativity astounds me, or lack thereof. Not only were the Opening Ceremonies a big let down (um...don't think the First Nations really had neon colors and glitter as part of their cultural garments...and that was Bryan Adams NOT Michael Buble and where the F was Shania???) but your medals are ugly. They look like melted chocolate coins. I know St. Patrick's day is around the corner, but you don't really need to get into the leprechaun paraphernalia. Next thing you know you'll claim leprechauns are Canadian too, just like slam poetry, fiddling, and riverdance. What's next? Apple pie?

You need to hire better creative directors,
Bored Watching the Olympics

Dear Elin

Dear Elin,
Dump his ass; you can do better. Then, Tiger can focus on his game and still bang out strippers/vegas hostesses, which will seem far less skeazy if he's a bachelor.

All the Best,
Kyle

Dear male Olympic speed skaters

Dear male Olympic speed skaters,
Your athleticism is amazing. I am in awe of the way you sprint around the track. But I have to ask, does the unitard make you self-conscious?There is some serious camel toe out there. I mean, why would you wear a red one? Oh wait, its the Europeans with the colorful unitards. Duh! Just so you know in case you haven't been in front of a mirror, it makes your junk even more pronounced and the camel toe too much to divert the eye. And reaaaaally bad in HD on a large TV. Well, at least you aren't wearing feathers and corsets like the figure skaters.

Go for the gold,
Olympic games watcher

Dear Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger Woods,
I can not WAIT to see your presser on Friday! It should be a real treat to see the spin on this whole scandal. Maybe shed a few crocodile tears? Will the wife and kids be there to show solidarity? Will you describe your "illness?" (Sidebar: That illness is called ego, and yours was the size of Texas. But hey, according to published reports, your "putter" gives you reason to be "cocky.") Good move on already throwing it out that you will "not be taking questions." I haven't been this excited for a press conference since...well...ever. But do you know what is even more exciting? When you come back to play golf. You are going to draw a whole new crowd to tournaments! It is going to be like your sexcapades! Strippers! Booze! Signs...oh the signs.
"Come visit my 19th hole, Tiger!"
"Can I wash your balls, Tiger? Everyone else has!"
"I will keep my mouth shut for 5k"
"Golfers do it better"
"Team Elin"
"Free STD tests in the club house"
I mean, the possibilities are endless. Maybe Trojan will become a tour sponsor? You will single-handedly turn the Masters into a Kid Rock concert! You quote "broke the color barrier" a decade ago, now you are breaking the "trash barrier." Keep it comin', Tiger. Your world on the course will never be the same. Better not bitch when someone snaps a picture in your back swing, biatch!
They say an addict should never go back to their old routine too quickly, and it looks like you are gonna jump right back in. Can't wait for you to fuck up again!

Enjoy the microscope on your life,
Happy Gilmore

Dear Al Gore and other climate change crazies

Dear Al Gore and other climate change crazies,
For those of you who think the science is final and undeniable on global warming, let me present to you February in Indiana. We have received appx 15+ inches of snow in the past 10 days and the temperature has not been over freezing in days. There are snow drifts taller than Shaquille O'Neal and more cars with dents and dings than you get in a demolition derby.
And for this reason you think we should cripple every developed countries economy and move back to the damn stone age?!?!?
Please, feel free to take your "science" and shove it wherever you have left your minute brains. I have a real good idea where those are hidden as well.
In the mean time, I will keep shoveling the snow and freezing my arse off on a daily basis.

Sincerely,
Snow Blind in Cbus

Dear newscasters, radio journalists, podcasters, and general public

Dear newscasters, radio journalists, podcasters, and general public,
I’m fairly confident that no jury in the free world will convict me if I immediately execute the next person that say’s, “I’m just sayin’,” post-declarative sentence.
Is this what we’ve come to?! We have to make a statement and then describe what we just did. I fully understand that you just said whatever pearl of wisdom that originated from your cerebrum, pulsated (sometimes in the form of convulsions) in the form of low voltage electronic charges through neurons, to your larynx, and then (thank God) dropped from your tongue to my ears.
“It’s cold out there. I’m just sayin’.”
“I love me some McDonald’s french fries. I’m just sayin’.” (Sidebar: Good to see that Mc’ie D’s has gone out to get the very best advertising agency. I thought Dru Hill was selling insurance by now not singing about McNuggets.)
“Dude. You can’t do that in public. I’m just sayin’.”
“In preparation for my colonoscopy, I’m pretty sure I shit out parts of my spleen. I’m just sayin’.”
“I don’t know where you come from, but that’s not how you perform a ‘reverse cowboy.’ I’m just sayin’.”
God help us all.

Yours,
-r

Dear America

Dear America,
For the love of Christ, please understand the magnitude of playing of your Star Spangled Banner at any Olympic competition. Did she cry? Fuck yes she cried and so should you. When a representative of your nation takes the time (years) and effort (exhaustion), necessary to be the best in the world in honor of your nation, you'd better fucking cry.
And if you cried when the Saints, Gators, Yankees, or Brock Lesnar won...that's a double fuck you for being so outrageously tunnel visioned to think that this is the best you have.
I know it's hard for most of you. You've grown up hearing the national anthem at 5th and 6th grade basketball games, jr. high wrestling matches, high school performances of "Guys and Dolls," and every other event you can think of at levels higher than these. It's tough to respect a song when it's been completely bastardized. Shit, how do you think the Catholics feel every time they saunter through an "Our Father?!"
Know what it means, kids. Know what Francis Scott key was looking at and had to look forward to before you break into a "O say can you see?" on a whim. And if you blaspheme the efforts of an athlete that is competing in your name one more time....Canada may be the best option for you.
Hats off to the readers who are veterans of the armed services. My argument for you is very similar in nature and with a different level of respect, but requires a more well thought out approach. ?You have all my respect and I'll get to you all soon, I'm sure.

XOXO,
-r

Dear old man next to me on plane

Dear old man next to me on plane,
Your smell is quite distinctive. Wait...is that...old man I smell? JACKPOT! So glad we get to sit next to each other on this flying bus for the next 3 hours, with you telling me your whole life story up close and in my grill, over your Bose sound reducing head phones. Oh wait, both llegs of my flight are like this?! Holy crap. I must have been like Ghandi in a previous life to deserve such an "honor." Or maybe I was Eve....Here, Sir, would you like a piece of my minty delicious gum? Or one of my spearmint lozenges? Shit, that didn't kill it either. Long day.

In need of a shower,
unhappy traveler

Dear lame lovebirds on facebook

Dear lame lovebirds on facebook,
Its sickening enough that on any given day of the year we get to hear about how wonderful your "sweetie" is and how "blessed" you are to have your "soulmate" in your life. But to change your profile pic to the two of you and describe in detail everything you and your "boo" did together on this holiest of all Hallmark holidays, is enough to make me want to vomit. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy you have found someone that can meet your high-maintenance needs, but the whole world doesn't need to know what you woke up to, and did, the whole day. The best way to celebrate the day is alone, with your "better half," not with all of your facebook "friends." While I am at home enjoying my day with my "valentines," thanks for letting me be a part of your day too...

Sick to my stomach with cheese,
VD

Dear Canada

Dear Canada,

Whoa. Lame-o opening ceremony. I mean, China is a tough act to follow but the penis shaped Native Canadian totem poles, the random ass national anthem?! Why have that quiet random girl sing when you are home to Shania Twain and...gulp...Celine Dion. Props to Bermuda for your lovely uniforms. Whoa China, your flag bearer is a tidge hermaphy. Man? Woman? Who knows. Did we learn nothing from that South African track star? Why do the men who carry the country name signs get to wear pants and floor length Michelin man coats, yet the women have to wear skirts and short down coats? Um...I think it's equally cold. Props to all the countries from tropical locations with winter Olympics competitors. Yeah, I mean you Ghana with your lone stoner skier.

Let the games begin!!
~Fan

Dear mother of the year

Dear mother of the year,
So Mom, where have you been for the last 6 months? Your daughter is 16 and 6 months pregnant and has had no pre-natal care. But TODAY you decide she needs care and needs it NOW. You demand that we must take care of her needs immediately because she will be ready for delivery before you can figure out her state sponsored health insurance!!! Maybe, just maybe, you should have thought of pre-natal care earlier in her pregnancy or whoa here is another thought, maybe you should have talked about birth control with little Miss Precious before she started doing the nasty with her pimply faced little boyfriend.

Love,
me

Dear @ssholes on the metro

Dear @ssholes on the metro,
I understand that we're having a crazy blizzard. And I even get that the metro is packed today. But guess what @sshole, we've ridden this shit before and we know how it works. Train moves. Train stops. Doors open. People exit. People enter. Train moves. Rinse, lather, repeat. No need to yell, "Outta my way! Coming through! Let me out!". Or, my personal favorite, "Make a hole!". REALLY PEOPLE. REALLY. We fucking get it. No one wants to risk life and limb teetering down an icy sidewalk to work, but don't mess with me pre-coffee. That means you have the common decency to be nice to your fellow metro riders and save your douchebag act for non-rush hour metro rides. If you're on the metro at 830 AM, you know how this show works.

Cork it assclown,
Peeved

Dear creepy man on the balcony above

Dear creepy man on the balcony above,
I know its probably something you have never seen before. Is that a computation machine? A two-screened calculator? Is that something from the future? Sir, this is 2010 and this is a laptop I am typing on. You can go on ahead, put your shirt back on (because the jeans sans shirt, no attractive at any time of day, let alone 9am) and put the camera phone away. I see you! Its cold out, no one is wearing their swim suits right now. Go grab your wife and hit up the early bird special with your AARP card and move along, creeper.

Just trying to post these blogs,
Mgmt

Dear gum chewing leaders, part deux

Dear gum chewing leaders, part deux,
Said it before and I will say it again, please, stop chewing gum when you are talking to me. Spit it out!! Nothing is more disgusting than watching you chomp away, like a cow with it's cud, than watching grown men/women open mouth chew gum. Is it some kind of requirement that to get a Director level or high job in this company, you must have no manners and chomp Bubbliscious like it is your occupation? Then to top it all off, you blow a bubble as big as your face?!?! And these are the people who are leading my company?!?!

Sincerely,
Employee with manners

Dear grocery cart boy

Dear grocery cart boy,
You saw me putting the groceries in my car, you saw me get in my car, you heard the engine start and then you saw the back up lights. What I did not see was you pushing the carts behind my vehicle. I like many others in Indiana drive an SUV which sits up a bit higher, so even when I looked back I did not see the grocery carts. I saw your face as I backed up and not once did you even try to let me know you parked all the carts behind me. It was not until I hit them did you raise your hand. I am just sorry you were not back there with the carts I hit. You idiot--next time either don't park the carts behind a vehicle you know will be leaving soon or have the courtesy to let the driver know they are behind the vehicle.

Sincerely,
The Gal in the Grocery Getter

Dear neighbor with the snow plow on your Gator

Dear neighbor with the snow plow on your Gator,
Your are the absolute best. You are out there plowing my driveway out of the goodness of your heart. I ran out to give you a loaf of homemade Amish Friendship bread and offer to pay you for your kindness and your response was, "You don't owe me anything, I am just trying to be a good neighbor. I have seen you trying to get up this driveway before and I want to help you out." Thank you so much. You are raising the bar for State Farm in the good neighbor category.

Thanks,
The Lady With the Terrible Driveway

Dear man peeing in the bushes

Dear man peeing in the bushes,
Whoa. This is not Man vs. Wild, nor is this a developing country. This is downtown Washington D.C. You are next to a church, and I'm pretty sure no one thinks you're examining some prickly bushes while standing halfway through the hedge. If you have a thing for peeing in the bushes, at least wait for spring so the leaves hide your watering hose.

Keep it zipped up,
Grossed out

Dear Ex-Husband

Dear Ex-Husband,
Thank you for once again reminding me how you obtained this status. While I appreciate your desire for a carefree life, I did not necessarily agree when you took a buy-out from Toyota, blew through that money, then decided to live off unemployment as far as that ride will take you. What really irks me is taking it upon yourself to cut the child support and pay late and on whatever date you see fit. Just when I think you can't top yourself, you show your ass when you find out I got off work early and didn't immediately call you to drive halfway to meet you for you to pick up our daughter (even though I didn't have gas and you didn't pay support). And it doesn't stop there. Thanks for putting our child in the middle and complaining about paying child support, then being a jerk when she tries to defend me. Sad that a 15 yr old has to point out that you have 3 paychecks in your home in comparison to the one in ours, then you roll your eyes at her like she's crazy. You Sir, are an Ass Clown wearing an Ass Hat.

My Parents Were Right,
The Most Current (14 yrs and counting) Ex-Wife

Dear McDonald's

Dear McDonald's,
I am writing because I noticed that you are upholding a gender stereotype and it is quite frankly, pissing me off. When I go to McDonald's I want one thing for sure: a large fountain Coca-Cola Classic.
On several occasions, when patronizing the drive through (notice I spelled through correctly. I will not conform to your bastardization ! I was not on the Spell Bowl team for 6 years for nothing! I digress. My disdain for your lack of syntax knowledge is for another letter to you.) I have ordered my large Coke only to receive the inferior, no calorie Diet Coke. The first couple times, I thought nothing of it, as mistakes are made. But this is happening more and more frequently.
Do I look like a 500 pound woman who is ordering 5 big Macs and then going for the more sensible option of a diet soda? More importantly the notion that I am female so I must be worried about my "girlish figure" is implied here. I do not care that I might consume 388 calories in a drink. The fact that I am at McDonald's proves this. I will be up in the gym workin on my fitness after consumption. If I wanted a Diet Coke I would have said DIET PLEASE!.
I implore you, do not give me diet. I want the REAL thing.

Signed,
The asparatame filled lab rat

Dear father and son with matching Colts jerseys

Dear father and son with matching Colts jerseys,
You know, that would have been cool, except you guys put your last name on the back of the jerseys and gave yourselves numbers!!! Lame!!!!
I am kicking myself for not getting a picture of you ass-clowns. They family that travels together and wears the family jersey together, stays together, damnit!

Wishing my family was that cool,
WHO DAT!?!

Dear personal injury attorneys

Dear personal injury attorneys,
I generally have a disdain for attorneys, but I think you guys may be the funniest bunch ever. Whose idea was it to let the guy whose last name is "Shartzer" be a partner??? Hilarious! I bet you get some great phone calls from the commercial. I was tempted to call to set up an appointment just to see if you guys are for real. Maybe I will have a car accident and need representation? Wait, are you guys the "Wedding Crashers?" If so that would be awesome. I hope you have a Stanley Kahn type image for your group too.

Waiting for the next commercial,
Accident-prone

Dear criminal on news this morning

Dear criminal on the news this morning,
You know, its bad enough you were arrested on child pornography charges, but to be wearing a t-shirt in your mug shot that says "Satisfaction Guaranteed"...thats just low. You deserve what's coming to you in the big house. I bet you stop wearing your t-shirt after that!

Drop the soap,
Just watching the news

Dear so and so

Dear so and so,
Hey, how have you been? I was just thinking that you totally suck. Don't wait for another girl like your ex to come along for you to start dating again. That sucks. Mostly cause I like you and I am WAY better than she was. Why the hell would you want to get with someone who is like the lying, cheating, mess of an ex you had?!? I'm sweet, I'm honest, and I won't crap on your heart. Just thought you might like to know.

XOXO,
Me

P.S. Stop being stupid cause your a catch and I will hate you forever if you don't get over it.

Dear terrible first date

Dear terrible first date,
I am SO glad you realized the date was terrible. Attempting to hold hands 10 mins in, and asking if you can "steal" a kiss 30 mins in, was bold. I will give you that, but definitely turned down. You extremely small hands freaked me out. I think you may have better luck if you stop lying about your height as well. First impressions are the last impressions...might want to work on the honesty thing.

Lost your number,
Single and loving it

Dear supplier

Dear supplier,
Sometimes I think you forget who the customer is. Just so you know, we spend money with you, not vice versa. And when I reply to an email to you, and when you respond, and spell my name wrong, it really isn't so much good customer service.

Check before you hit send,
H

Dear me

Dear me,
You are officially a cat lady. Lunch time activity: Target to buy cat litter and tampons. SO LAME. Get a life.

XOXO,
ME

Dear man who held the Metro door

Dear man who held the Metro door,
You are a modern day knight. That shit will take your arm off! No one has ever done that for me! Want to marry me?

XOXO,
Metro rider

Dear street bartender

Dear street bartender,
I know you think you are being discrete, but it is day light and your brown paper bags is only half covering your bottle of bicardi. Next time, maybe you should try turning your back to K street while mixing your breakfast?

God bless America,
me

Dear couple at the gym pool that think they are at Sandals Jamaica

Dear couple at the gym pool that think they are at Sandals Jamaica,
I know, our pool has some pretty awesome water slides, some water buckets, fountains, etc...but really, I am not quite sure how you have mistaken the lap pool for Sandals Jamaica. People come to the pool to swim laps and work out, not watch you "work it" and pitch a tent. Its disgusting. I know the commercials are very persuasive, and if you close your eyes when you hear the "time of your life" song, you can teleport there, but please, put on your bikini on and do it on your couch. Didn't you ever hear "NO PDA IN THE POOL" at the local pool growing up? Same rules apply. SO, get out of the pool and let us get on with our workouts, but please have the kindness to wait until your little swimmer isn't so excited.

Just trying to stay work out,
Swimmer

Dear Saxophone man at the Metro

Dear Saxophone man at the Metro,
It is not the 1980s. Your music sounds like the soundtrack from "The Red Shoe Diaries." Vom.

My ears hurt,
Metro Rider

Dear Gum-Chomping Director

Dear Gum-Chomping Director,
Far be it from me to complain, but the fact that you find it acceptable to chomp gum with an open mouth and talk to me at the same time is quite disturbing. Maybe no one has told you for fear of the HR Nazi's coming down on them or political correctness has gotten the better of people. Gum chewing at work, while talking is UNBELIEVABLY unprofessional, not to mention disgusting. If I really wanted to see that kind of stuff, I am sure I could find some sick website and view it from the comfort of my own home. Please, get a clue and realize it makes you lose the respect of your colleagues and gives them even more ammunition to lob your way.

Sincerely,
M. Manners

Dear Ketchup and Mustard

Dear Ketchup and Mustard,
You two are some FIERCE patriots sporting your bright suits at the S.O.T.U. address. I <3 your unflinching fashion sense. Who would have thought fluorescent yellow was such a fetching color? And your friend in the red is sheer perfection. When you stand up and sit down together during the speech and you clap with such enthusiasm, it makes me feel like I'm at a baseball game and YES, I WANT A HOT DOG! AND A PRETZEL! 'Cause it's root, root, root for the home team! If they don't win it's a shame! For it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the old Washington game.

God bless America, and God bless your suits,
~Condiment Luvah

Dear Make-up Lady at Sephora

Dear Make-up Lady at Sephora,
Just wanted to let you know that I am not a cyclops. Apparently you thought I was, since you decided to give me dark smoky eye make-up but abandoned me after only doing one eye. I tried to clean myself up, but apparently you used the waterproof stuff. I got sympathetic looks from everyone in the mall since it looked like I'm in an abusive relationship.

Yep,
you suck.

Dear Joe Biden

Dear Joe Biden,
I loooooooove you. The best part of the State of the Union speech, BY FAR, is watching your delightfully animated face as you furrow your brow with an expression that says, "Come on Joe! Focus. You can't do the Arsenio Hall WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! until the end...". I love your silly faces only slightly more than I love Nancy Pelosi's frozen expression. She has to clap and stand to express her approval since her face is immobile. This speech to uber entertaining.

Best of luck being on your best behavior Joe!
xoxoxo
~FAN/Voter
P.S. Go Scranton!!

Dear Man with Leopard Print Hair

Dear Man with Leopard Print Hair,
Um, excuse me Sir, but is that your natural hair color? Are you the offspring of a cougar and a bad decision? Your hair just looks foooooolish. And painful. To dye your hair that many colors seems like such a prodigious waste of time, not to mention it's so fugly it's offensive to cats. I hope a stray cat brings you dead critters and poops in your flower pots. If I was a jungle cat I would bitch slap you (claws out), then scalp you, then use your sorry excuse for a hair do as a toy, which I would then hide under my jungle cat couch.

Meow,
~Unimpressed

Dear man with face tattoos

Dear man with face tattoos,
Damn son, you look fierce. NOT! I'm sure when you were wasted and decided to get skulls tattooed by your eyes it seemed like a really intimidating idea. However, as you have aged you look like you just came from the face painting booth at a kiddie carnival. Funny how droopy skulls now look like butterflies. Rather than a big scary biker, you look like a ZZ Top fan and a Mariah Carey fan had some creepy old man baby masquerading as a tween.

Crank up the Miley!!
~Creeeeeeepy

Dear Lady on a cell phone in the bathroom

Dear Lady on a cell phone in the bathroom,
I get that you're not speaking English which affords you some degree of privacy, but I'm pretty sure that talking on the phone while peeing in a public restroom is not acceptable in many cultures. I appreciate that you feel comfortable enough with your call companion, but the restroom at school with it's ten automatic flush toilets is not your haus. Yes, I said it-haus. How do you say "Excuse me while I wipe" in German?

Ewwwwwww
~Grossed out

Dear Man with a Megaphone

Dear Man with a Megaphone,
I really appreciate your cause, I truly do, but when you stand in front of the White House with a megaphone and say "Thousands of millions of people blah blah blah" NO ONE BELIEVES YOU. That's not a real degree of magnitude. Your hyperbole undermines your credibility no matter how worthy your cause. Don't sweat it though, only ten people were at your protest anyway. Not to mention President Obama won't do shit about your problems in D.C.

Best of luck counting,
~Can I get a witness

Dear IT Department

Dear IT Department,
It is really dumbfounding how a Fortune 500 company has a completely incapable IT department. And by incapable, I mean system-wise and helpdesk-wise. I mean, we make billions of dollars and engineer some pretty high-tech shit, but we can't have email for a week? "Server is fixed" my ass. How does that happen? And when I call with a probem, "Jason" (with Indian accent) gives me a bunch of shit, leaving me even more frustrated and ready to toss my POS laptop out the window. Seriously, how can you not fix email for a week??? WE HAVE CUSTOMERS (which in case you forgot, give us money for our product and coincidentally, is how you get paid) WHO RELY ON EMAIL COMMUNICATION WITH US. And when email is working, the rest of the machine is runing 20 seconds behind each click. Hell, I could be getting so many chores done at home if I knew my computer and email were not going to work between the hours of 8:30am and 4:30pm. Please get your shit together. Before you not only have broken machines, but broken windows with broken machines resting outside them. Oh lord, then facilities will have to get involved. HELP.

Thanks,
Unproductive

Dear guy trying to prove you have a real job

Dear guy trying to prove you have a real job,
We really appreciate you coming into our meeting to give us 20 minutes of drivel on your work plan for the year. By all means, please, feel free to never tell us what the basic idea behind the program that you lead. Only come in and try and justify why our company is spending millions on something our customers should already be doing. You know who you are and I could pick out a couple hundred more like you at work.

Signed,
Too many meetings

Dear Caterpillar eyebrow guy

Dear Caterpillar eyebrow guy,
For the love of God, please, go out and buy some remingtons and trim that unibrow up. That look went out....well, I don't think it has ever been in style. Get some wax, buy an epiplus or spring for the laser surgery, so you look like a normal human instead of Cro-Magnon man.

Signed,
I need something to do.

Dear Readers

Dear Readers,
Please send us your letters!!!
Email address: dearsoandsoityouknowwhoyouare@gmail.com
Please list how you want your post signed.

Thanks,
Management

Dear patient

Dear patient,
Could you please bathe before coming to your next doctor's appointment? It would really make the whole experience a little bit more "enjoyable" for all of us involved in your care.

Thanks,
Your doctor

Dear neighbor with the obscene amount of Christmas decorations in your yard

Dear neighbor with the obscene amount of Christmas decorations in your yard,
THANK YOU FOR FINALLY TAKING DOWN YOUR DECORATIONS! And for stopping to play Christmas music outside at night for all of us to "enjoy." Guess what, we didn't. In fact, the 7 inflatable decorations you have on your corner, along with the dozen other decorations in your yard make me actually want to have a neighborhood association and pay dues. This is not a white trash neighborhood, really. But you are definitely bringing us down.
Thank you for realizing it is in fact, the end of January, and time to take them down. Now we all get to enjoy the huge dead grass circles in your yard, alongside the dead dog memorial stone on the corner. I think you have just convinced me to make fliers for the neighbors about creating an association.

Happy holidays,
Your neighbor

Dear Trafalgar

Dear Trafalgar,
Did you realize your name backwards is "Raglafart?"

Just driving through,
B

Dear guy in the Chevy truck

Dear guy in the Chevy truck,
You are next to me at the stop light, and your windows are very tinted, and its dark out. But guess what? I can still see you picking your nose.

Enjoy your snack,
Lady in the BMW next to you

Dear Modern Family, the TV show

Dear Modern Family, the TV show,
"hahahahaha!!!" That's the sound coming from my living room every Wednesday night at 9PM. You are the best comedy on TV today, hands down. And that says a lot. The Office, 30 Rock, Glee, How I Met Your Mother, all damn funny. But you...you are just...so well written. Your cast knocks it out of the park, nailing their roles. The way that jokes run through an entire episode...the way you exploit common stereotypes of homosexuals and Latinas...its brilliant. Thank you for being you, and giving me something to look forward to in the middle of the week.

XOXO,
Loyal Viewer

Dear guy at the gym who works out in jeans

Dear guy at the gym that works out in jeans and headphones from 1985,
You know who you are. You just can't give up those carpenter jeans with a rip in the knee, with the lite acid wash. They might just be your best friend. You just love you can still fit into them!Did you realize jeans are not appropriate attire to wear to the gym to work out? And what's up with the headphones? Are you talking to the spcae station or something? Hope you enjoy the workout, don't sweat too much. It might make those jeans just a little bit tighter than they should be.

Pump it up,
you know who

Dear Insurance Company

Dear Insurance Company,
YOU SUCK! Its like you know I am going to get sick at the beginning of the year, just in time to rape me on my HSA money right from the get go. Seriously, $400 out the first 20 days of the year?! What is the point of carrying you, insurance, when I end up paying the same damn amount if I didn't have you?
"What, $199 for ONE prescription?!"
"Yes ma'am, do you have insurance?"
"Yes, I do"
"Oh good....let me adjust the price....that will be $180."
"WTF, seriously?! So glad I had my insurance card with me. What a life saver! Thank god I just saved $19 with my insurance!"
Enjoy your big fat bonuses, a-holes. I will be eating ramen noodles for the next 11 months because I got a sinus infection.

Damn you,
Me

Dear crazy lady in the Library of Congress

Dear crazy lady in the Library of Congress,
In case you weren't aware, the library is a place for quiet time. Which since you don't know what that means, let me spell it out for you. Quiet time means no talking, especially outloud to yourself. Please try to comply to this definition.

xoxo,
me

Dear lady in the gym locker room teasing your hair with a pick

Dear lady in the gym locker room teasing your hair with a pick,
Holy shit!? Are you really doing that? Did you really just curl your awesome 80's bangs, mega-hold hair spray those guys up and tease them with a pick?! AND THE MEGA-HOLD THEM IN PLACE AGAIN? I haven't seen a hair pick in 20 years! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? As Joey Lawrence would say, "woah!"
Looking at the "jogging suit" I think they called it, that you are wearing, I can only assume you haven't left your house since 1988. Congrats on overcoming your fear of human interaction...and venturing out to the gym of all places. I bet you grew tired of the thigh master and healthrider routine you've had going on.
Thanks for the time warp you just gave me, but you and your Keds need some serious help. And I am going to complain to gym management about the unbreathable air in the women's locker room, due to mega-hold aerosol hairspray.

Enjoy step-aerobics,
S

Dear Dude Who Canceled Our Date...Again

Dear Dude Who Canceled Our Date...Again,
I gather from your pathetic little speech that you feel bad about canceling our date again because of sudden commitments, but rather that this reflecting on your feelings about our relationship, it more accurately reflects your inappropriate lack of fear of a 20 something single woman. If you put Bear Grylls in a room full of single women he would beg for mercy while weaving his intestines into an escape rope. We are the most terrifying creatures known to man, and you better recognize. So, when we reschedule this "rainchecked" date, you better make it right. Be a man, figure it out. Just because you're a novice, I'll give you a hint: wine, chocolate, flowers (preferably all three).Good luck with women for the rest of your life.

xoxox,
anonymous

P.S. You have officially earned yourself a "raincheck" next time you want to get some. How ya like them apples?

Dear Delta Airlines

Dear Delta Airlines,
As much as I appreciate the first class upgrade on my flight, this view from the terminal in Memphis before boarding was a bit disturbing. Perhaps you could do such work, like removing an entire ENGINE in maybe...a hanger? Not good PR, not good PR. Better hire Captain Sully if this is how you operate!

Signed,

Frequent Flier

Dear person on the Metro with gas

Dear person on the metro with gas,
The train is moving slowly today and the doors are not opening and closing enough to circulate fresh air. Please stop making me feel like I am being gassed at Auschwitz.

Thanks!
J