Dear Val

Dear Val,
Thanks so much for leaving a little reminder of you in my suitcase. I really enjoyed putting on my tshirt to go running, only to smell cat piss. I looked down, the entire front of the shirt was stained with your disgusting urine. Thanks for the reminder that you need to become an outdoor pet when I come home.

Hope you enjoy cold weather,
your mom

Dear Man in the Bowler Hat

Dear Man in the Bowler Hat,

You really stepped it up today, heh? I appreciate your sense of style, and your flair for accessories. From the neck up you look so cool, because you're being uncool. You're playing that hipster mind game of how uncool can be compound exponentially to create levels of cool that are beyond the average person's comprehension. You were doing so well until you decided to throw on jeans, sneakers, and a fleece with the bowler hat as you push your kid's stroller around town. From a distance, it's intriguing, but as you approach I heard the sad horns play, "Wha wha wha". Epic fail in the fashion department.

I'm just sayin'....
~Boo to the Bowler

P.S. You do NOT look cool like Pierce Brosnan in "The Crown Affair" in case that was the look you were going for. IF he were to push his kid in a stroller, it would be made by Porsche, remote controlled, and he'd wear an Italian suit. Let that marinate a little before you pick out your next fashion combo.

Dear Bananas

Dear Bananas,

I'm not ready to commit to saying I love you, but I like you, well...most of you. I appreciate that you are nutritious and 58 cents a pound, but the brown spots are so unnecessary. You've got that great comic appeal (get it, a peel), but you make me gag when I eat the squishy, sugary, brown parts. You would think that the brown sugary bit would be delicious, like chocolate or coca cola, but no. It's just like Slimer from Ghost Busters punching me in the back of the throat. Ew. I would really appreciate if you could work on growing a thicker skin so when I throw in my purse you don't turn to pudding before it's time to eat you for my afternoon snack.

Thoughtfully yours,
Gagging in the library

P.S. Also, if you could work on not giving me heartburn too that'd be swell.

Dearsoandsoyouknowhoyouare

Dearsoandsoyouknowhoyouare,
Kudos for printing letters you don't agree with aka: Global Warming. It takes a strong blogger to post views you know are a bit bogus. Keep up the good work and I look forward to new cattiness.

XOXO,
your mom

Dear USA Hockey Team

Dear USA Hockey Team,
YOU GUYS ROCK! After all the trash the Canadians talked; "we invented the game and dominate the game," they lost 5-3! Take that, Canada!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Team USA fan

Dear Delta (and ATL airport)

Dear Delta (and ATL airport),
Do you realize you suck? Hmmm....you probably do, based on the number of people screaming at you right now. Don't be mad at us, its not our fault you decided to not let planes land this morning, and there is a long line of people who missed there flight even though flight attendants assured us that all planes are delayed. Here is a hint to make the day a little less stressful: quit talking to one another, and do your job handling customer questions. Four of you helping one person only pisses us in line off more.

Trying to navigate the unfriendly skies,
Frequent Traveler

Dear NBC

Dear NBC,
I am confused, can you please help me understand the rationale? Do you think more people, on a Sunday night, would rather watch ICE DANCING or one of the biggest hockey games of the Olympics, US vs Canada?? AND THE US IS ACTUALLY WINNING! Seriously, ice dancing is like a stronger form of Ambien to me. I am already yawning. Bad call NBC, bad call. I am not a huge fan of hockey, but its better than lame-ass dancing on ice, which you have been hyping on cable networks all weekend with Lady Gaga music on under the voice over. VOMIT.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL,
Lady Gaga

Dear Canada

Dear Canada,

Your creativity astounds me, or lack thereof. Not only were the Opening Ceremonies a big let down (um...don't think the First Nations really had neon colors and glitter as part of their cultural garments...and that was Bryan Adams NOT Michael Buble and where the F was Shania???) but your medals are ugly. They look like melted chocolate coins. I know St. Patrick's day is around the corner, but you don't really need to get into the leprechaun paraphernalia. Next thing you know you'll claim leprechauns are Canadian too, just like slam poetry, fiddling, and riverdance. What's next? Apple pie?

You need to hire better creative directors,
Bored Watching the Olympics

Dear Elin

Dear Elin,
Dump his ass; you can do better. Then, Tiger can focus on his game and still bang out strippers/vegas hostesses, which will seem far less skeazy if he's a bachelor.

All the Best,
Kyle

Dear male Olympic speed skaters

Dear male Olympic speed skaters,
Your athleticism is amazing. I am in awe of the way you sprint around the track. But I have to ask, does the unitard make you self-conscious?There is some serious camel toe out there. I mean, why would you wear a red one? Oh wait, its the Europeans with the colorful unitards. Duh! Just so you know in case you haven't been in front of a mirror, it makes your junk even more pronounced and the camel toe too much to divert the eye. And reaaaaally bad in HD on a large TV. Well, at least you aren't wearing feathers and corsets like the figure skaters.

Go for the gold,
Olympic games watcher

Dear Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger Woods,
I can not WAIT to see your presser on Friday! It should be a real treat to see the spin on this whole scandal. Maybe shed a few crocodile tears? Will the wife and kids be there to show solidarity? Will you describe your "illness?" (Sidebar: That illness is called ego, and yours was the size of Texas. But hey, according to published reports, your "putter" gives you reason to be "cocky.") Good move on already throwing it out that you will "not be taking questions." I haven't been this excited for a press conference since...well...ever. But do you know what is even more exciting? When you come back to play golf. You are going to draw a whole new crowd to tournaments! It is going to be like your sexcapades! Strippers! Booze! Signs...oh the signs.
"Come visit my 19th hole, Tiger!"
"Can I wash your balls, Tiger? Everyone else has!"
"I will keep my mouth shut for 5k"
"Golfers do it better"
"Team Elin"
"Free STD tests in the club house"
I mean, the possibilities are endless. Maybe Trojan will become a tour sponsor? You will single-handedly turn the Masters into a Kid Rock concert! You quote "broke the color barrier" a decade ago, now you are breaking the "trash barrier." Keep it comin', Tiger. Your world on the course will never be the same. Better not bitch when someone snaps a picture in your back swing, biatch!
They say an addict should never go back to their old routine too quickly, and it looks like you are gonna jump right back in. Can't wait for you to fuck up again!

Enjoy the microscope on your life,
Happy Gilmore

Dear Al Gore and other climate change crazies

Dear Al Gore and other climate change crazies,
For those of you who think the science is final and undeniable on global warming, let me present to you February in Indiana. We have received appx 15+ inches of snow in the past 10 days and the temperature has not been over freezing in days. There are snow drifts taller than Shaquille O'Neal and more cars with dents and dings than you get in a demolition derby.
And for this reason you think we should cripple every developed countries economy and move back to the damn stone age?!?!?
Please, feel free to take your "science" and shove it wherever you have left your minute brains. I have a real good idea where those are hidden as well.
In the mean time, I will keep shoveling the snow and freezing my arse off on a daily basis.

Sincerely,
Snow Blind in Cbus

Dear newscasters, radio journalists, podcasters, and general public

Dear newscasters, radio journalists, podcasters, and general public,
I’m fairly confident that no jury in the free world will convict me if I immediately execute the next person that say’s, “I’m just sayin’,” post-declarative sentence.
Is this what we’ve come to?! We have to make a statement and then describe what we just did. I fully understand that you just said whatever pearl of wisdom that originated from your cerebrum, pulsated (sometimes in the form of convulsions) in the form of low voltage electronic charges through neurons, to your larynx, and then (thank God) dropped from your tongue to my ears.
“It’s cold out there. I’m just sayin’.”
“I love me some McDonald’s french fries. I’m just sayin’.” (Sidebar: Good to see that Mc’ie D’s has gone out to get the very best advertising agency. I thought Dru Hill was selling insurance by now not singing about McNuggets.)
“Dude. You can’t do that in public. I’m just sayin’.”
“In preparation for my colonoscopy, I’m pretty sure I shit out parts of my spleen. I’m just sayin’.”
“I don’t know where you come from, but that’s not how you perform a ‘reverse cowboy.’ I’m just sayin’.”
God help us all.

Yours,
-r

Dear America

Dear America,
For the love of Christ, please understand the magnitude of playing of your Star Spangled Banner at any Olympic competition. Did she cry? Fuck yes she cried and so should you. When a representative of your nation takes the time (years) and effort (exhaustion), necessary to be the best in the world in honor of your nation, you'd better fucking cry.
And if you cried when the Saints, Gators, Yankees, or Brock Lesnar won...that's a double fuck you for being so outrageously tunnel visioned to think that this is the best you have.
I know it's hard for most of you. You've grown up hearing the national anthem at 5th and 6th grade basketball games, jr. high wrestling matches, high school performances of "Guys and Dolls," and every other event you can think of at levels higher than these. It's tough to respect a song when it's been completely bastardized. Shit, how do you think the Catholics feel every time they saunter through an "Our Father?!"
Know what it means, kids. Know what Francis Scott key was looking at and had to look forward to before you break into a "O say can you see?" on a whim. And if you blaspheme the efforts of an athlete that is competing in your name one more time....Canada may be the best option for you.
Hats off to the readers who are veterans of the armed services. My argument for you is very similar in nature and with a different level of respect, but requires a more well thought out approach. ?You have all my respect and I'll get to you all soon, I'm sure.

XOXO,
-r

Dear old man next to me on plane

Dear old man next to me on plane,
Your smell is quite distinctive. Wait...is that...old man I smell? JACKPOT! So glad we get to sit next to each other on this flying bus for the next 3 hours, with you telling me your whole life story up close and in my grill, over your Bose sound reducing head phones. Oh wait, both llegs of my flight are like this?! Holy crap. I must have been like Ghandi in a previous life to deserve such an "honor." Or maybe I was Eve....Here, Sir, would you like a piece of my minty delicious gum? Or one of my spearmint lozenges? Shit, that didn't kill it either. Long day.

In need of a shower,
unhappy traveler

Dear lame lovebirds on facebook

Dear lame lovebirds on facebook,
Its sickening enough that on any given day of the year we get to hear about how wonderful your "sweetie" is and how "blessed" you are to have your "soulmate" in your life. But to change your profile pic to the two of you and describe in detail everything you and your "boo" did together on this holiest of all Hallmark holidays, is enough to make me want to vomit. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely happy you have found someone that can meet your high-maintenance needs, but the whole world doesn't need to know what you woke up to, and did, the whole day. The best way to celebrate the day is alone, with your "better half," not with all of your facebook "friends." While I am at home enjoying my day with my "valentines," thanks for letting me be a part of your day too...

Sick to my stomach with cheese,
VD

Dear Canada

Dear Canada,

Whoa. Lame-o opening ceremony. I mean, China is a tough act to follow but the penis shaped Native Canadian totem poles, the random ass national anthem?! Why have that quiet random girl sing when you are home to Shania Twain and...gulp...Celine Dion. Props to Bermuda for your lovely uniforms. Whoa China, your flag bearer is a tidge hermaphy. Man? Woman? Who knows. Did we learn nothing from that South African track star? Why do the men who carry the country name signs get to wear pants and floor length Michelin man coats, yet the women have to wear skirts and short down coats? Um...I think it's equally cold. Props to all the countries from tropical locations with winter Olympics competitors. Yeah, I mean you Ghana with your lone stoner skier.

Let the games begin!!
~Fan

Dear mother of the year

Dear mother of the year,
So Mom, where have you been for the last 6 months? Your daughter is 16 and 6 months pregnant and has had no pre-natal care. But TODAY you decide she needs care and needs it NOW. You demand that we must take care of her needs immediately because she will be ready for delivery before you can figure out her state sponsored health insurance!!! Maybe, just maybe, you should have thought of pre-natal care earlier in her pregnancy or whoa here is another thought, maybe you should have talked about birth control with little Miss Precious before she started doing the nasty with her pimply faced little boyfriend.

Love,
me

Dear @ssholes on the metro

Dear @ssholes on the metro,
I understand that we're having a crazy blizzard. And I even get that the metro is packed today. But guess what @sshole, we've ridden this shit before and we know how it works. Train moves. Train stops. Doors open. People exit. People enter. Train moves. Rinse, lather, repeat. No need to yell, "Outta my way! Coming through! Let me out!". Or, my personal favorite, "Make a hole!". REALLY PEOPLE. REALLY. We fucking get it. No one wants to risk life and limb teetering down an icy sidewalk to work, but don't mess with me pre-coffee. That means you have the common decency to be nice to your fellow metro riders and save your douchebag act for non-rush hour metro rides. If you're on the metro at 830 AM, you know how this show works.

Cork it assclown,
Peeved

Dear creepy man on the balcony above

Dear creepy man on the balcony above,
I know its probably something you have never seen before. Is that a computation machine? A two-screened calculator? Is that something from the future? Sir, this is 2010 and this is a laptop I am typing on. You can go on ahead, put your shirt back on (because the jeans sans shirt, no attractive at any time of day, let alone 9am) and put the camera phone away. I see you! Its cold out, no one is wearing their swim suits right now. Go grab your wife and hit up the early bird special with your AARP card and move along, creeper.

Just trying to post these blogs,
Mgmt

Dear gum chewing leaders, part deux

Dear gum chewing leaders, part deux,
Said it before and I will say it again, please, stop chewing gum when you are talking to me. Spit it out!! Nothing is more disgusting than watching you chomp away, like a cow with it's cud, than watching grown men/women open mouth chew gum. Is it some kind of requirement that to get a Director level or high job in this company, you must have no manners and chomp Bubbliscious like it is your occupation? Then to top it all off, you blow a bubble as big as your face?!?! And these are the people who are leading my company?!?!

Sincerely,
Employee with manners

Dear grocery cart boy

Dear grocery cart boy,
You saw me putting the groceries in my car, you saw me get in my car, you heard the engine start and then you saw the back up lights. What I did not see was you pushing the carts behind my vehicle. I like many others in Indiana drive an SUV which sits up a bit higher, so even when I looked back I did not see the grocery carts. I saw your face as I backed up and not once did you even try to let me know you parked all the carts behind me. It was not until I hit them did you raise your hand. I am just sorry you were not back there with the carts I hit. You idiot--next time either don't park the carts behind a vehicle you know will be leaving soon or have the courtesy to let the driver know they are behind the vehicle.

Sincerely,
The Gal in the Grocery Getter

Dear neighbor with the snow plow on your Gator

Dear neighbor with the snow plow on your Gator,
Your are the absolute best. You are out there plowing my driveway out of the goodness of your heart. I ran out to give you a loaf of homemade Amish Friendship bread and offer to pay you for your kindness and your response was, "You don't owe me anything, I am just trying to be a good neighbor. I have seen you trying to get up this driveway before and I want to help you out." Thank you so much. You are raising the bar for State Farm in the good neighbor category.

Thanks,
The Lady With the Terrible Driveway

Dear man peeing in the bushes

Dear man peeing in the bushes,
Whoa. This is not Man vs. Wild, nor is this a developing country. This is downtown Washington D.C. You are next to a church, and I'm pretty sure no one thinks you're examining some prickly bushes while standing halfway through the hedge. If you have a thing for peeing in the bushes, at least wait for spring so the leaves hide your watering hose.

Keep it zipped up,
Grossed out

Dear Ex-Husband

Dear Ex-Husband,
Thank you for once again reminding me how you obtained this status. While I appreciate your desire for a carefree life, I did not necessarily agree when you took a buy-out from Toyota, blew through that money, then decided to live off unemployment as far as that ride will take you. What really irks me is taking it upon yourself to cut the child support and pay late and on whatever date you see fit. Just when I think you can't top yourself, you show your ass when you find out I got off work early and didn't immediately call you to drive halfway to meet you for you to pick up our daughter (even though I didn't have gas and you didn't pay support). And it doesn't stop there. Thanks for putting our child in the middle and complaining about paying child support, then being a jerk when she tries to defend me. Sad that a 15 yr old has to point out that you have 3 paychecks in your home in comparison to the one in ours, then you roll your eyes at her like she's crazy. You Sir, are an Ass Clown wearing an Ass Hat.

My Parents Were Right,
The Most Current (14 yrs and counting) Ex-Wife

Dear McDonald's

Dear McDonald's,
I am writing because I noticed that you are upholding a gender stereotype and it is quite frankly, pissing me off. When I go to McDonald's I want one thing for sure: a large fountain Coca-Cola Classic.
On several occasions, when patronizing the drive through (notice I spelled through correctly. I will not conform to your bastardization ! I was not on the Spell Bowl team for 6 years for nothing! I digress. My disdain for your lack of syntax knowledge is for another letter to you.) I have ordered my large Coke only to receive the inferior, no calorie Diet Coke. The first couple times, I thought nothing of it, as mistakes are made. But this is happening more and more frequently.
Do I look like a 500 pound woman who is ordering 5 big Macs and then going for the more sensible option of a diet soda? More importantly the notion that I am female so I must be worried about my "girlish figure" is implied here. I do not care that I might consume 388 calories in a drink. The fact that I am at McDonald's proves this. I will be up in the gym workin on my fitness after consumption. If I wanted a Diet Coke I would have said DIET PLEASE!.
I implore you, do not give me diet. I want the REAL thing.

Signed,
The asparatame filled lab rat

Dear father and son with matching Colts jerseys

Dear father and son with matching Colts jerseys,
You know, that would have been cool, except you guys put your last name on the back of the jerseys and gave yourselves numbers!!! Lame!!!!
I am kicking myself for not getting a picture of you ass-clowns. They family that travels together and wears the family jersey together, stays together, damnit!

Wishing my family was that cool,
WHO DAT!?!

Dear personal injury attorneys

Dear personal injury attorneys,
I generally have a disdain for attorneys, but I think you guys may be the funniest bunch ever. Whose idea was it to let the guy whose last name is "Shartzer" be a partner??? Hilarious! I bet you get some great phone calls from the commercial. I was tempted to call to set up an appointment just to see if you guys are for real. Maybe I will have a car accident and need representation? Wait, are you guys the "Wedding Crashers?" If so that would be awesome. I hope you have a Stanley Kahn type image for your group too.

Waiting for the next commercial,
Accident-prone

Dear criminal on news this morning

Dear criminal on the news this morning,
You know, its bad enough you were arrested on child pornography charges, but to be wearing a t-shirt in your mug shot that says "Satisfaction Guaranteed"...thats just low. You deserve what's coming to you in the big house. I bet you stop wearing your t-shirt after that!

Drop the soap,
Just watching the news

Dear so and so

Dear so and so,
Hey, how have you been? I was just thinking that you totally suck. Don't wait for another girl like your ex to come along for you to start dating again. That sucks. Mostly cause I like you and I am WAY better than she was. Why the hell would you want to get with someone who is like the lying, cheating, mess of an ex you had?!? I'm sweet, I'm honest, and I won't crap on your heart. Just thought you might like to know.

XOXO,
Me

P.S. Stop being stupid cause your a catch and I will hate you forever if you don't get over it.

Dear terrible first date

Dear terrible first date,
I am SO glad you realized the date was terrible. Attempting to hold hands 10 mins in, and asking if you can "steal" a kiss 30 mins in, was bold. I will give you that, but definitely turned down. You extremely small hands freaked me out. I think you may have better luck if you stop lying about your height as well. First impressions are the last impressions...might want to work on the honesty thing.

Lost your number,
Single and loving it

Dear supplier

Dear supplier,
Sometimes I think you forget who the customer is. Just so you know, we spend money with you, not vice versa. And when I reply to an email to you, and when you respond, and spell my name wrong, it really isn't so much good customer service.

Check before you hit send,
H

Dear me

Dear me,
You are officially a cat lady. Lunch time activity: Target to buy cat litter and tampons. SO LAME. Get a life.

XOXO,
ME

Dear man who held the Metro door

Dear man who held the Metro door,
You are a modern day knight. That shit will take your arm off! No one has ever done that for me! Want to marry me?

XOXO,
Metro rider