Dear lady in the gym locker room teasing your hair with a pick

Dear lady in the gym locker room teasing your hair with a pick,
Holy shit!? Are you really doing that? Did you really just curl your awesome 80's bangs, mega-hold hair spray those guys up and tease them with a pick?! AND THE MEGA-HOLD THEM IN PLACE AGAIN? I haven't seen a hair pick in 20 years! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? As Joey Lawrence would say, "woah!"
Looking at the "jogging suit" I think they called it, that you are wearing, I can only assume you haven't left your house since 1988. Congrats on overcoming your fear of human interaction...and venturing out to the gym of all places. I bet you grew tired of the thigh master and healthrider routine you've had going on.
Thanks for the time warp you just gave me, but you and your Keds need some serious help. And I am going to complain to gym management about the unbreathable air in the women's locker room, due to mega-hold aerosol hairspray.

Enjoy step-aerobics,
S