Dear Tiger Woods,
I can not WAIT to see your presser on Friday! It should be a real treat to see the spin on this whole scandal. Maybe shed a few crocodile tears? Will the wife and kids be there to show solidarity? Will you describe your "illness?" (Sidebar: That illness is called ego, and yours was the size of Texas. But hey, according to published reports, your "putter" gives you reason to be "cocky.") Good move on already throwing it out that you will "not be taking questions." I haven't been this excited for a press conference since...well...ever. But do you know what is even more exciting? When you come back to play golf. You are going to draw a whole new crowd to tournaments! It is going to be like your sexcapades! Strippers! Booze! Signs...oh the signs.
"Come visit my 19th hole, Tiger!"
"Can I wash your balls, Tiger? Everyone else has!"
"I will keep my mouth shut for 5k"
"Golfers do it better"
"Team Elin"
"Free STD tests in the club house"
I mean, the possibilities are endless. Maybe Trojan will become a tour sponsor? You will single-handedly turn the Masters into a Kid Rock concert! You quote "broke the color barrier" a decade ago, now you are breaking the "trash barrier." Keep it comin', Tiger. Your world on the course will never be the same. Better not bitch when someone snaps a picture in your back swing, biatch!
They say an addict should never go back to their old routine too quickly, and it looks like you are gonna jump right back in. Can't wait for you to fuck up again!
Enjoy the microscope on your life,
Happy Gilmore
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