Dear Friends,

Those of you who know me understand that I keep to myself quite a bit. I don’t make it out as much as some. I’d rather cook dinner at home then go to a restaurant. I haven’t had sex in a while, but I’m pretty sure that that’s okay because maybe I do it better than anyone else (okay, that may be a stretch).

I don’t have pets for the same reason that I don’t have kids. They’re too much fucking work for me and God knows that with the aforementioned activities, I really don’t have much time on my hands. (Although I may have other things on my hands…get it? That’s another masturbation reference.)

Pets make many people happy, and again, like kids, I enjoy other people’s pets (don’t take either of those out of context although it may be difficult with all this masturbation talk going on. That's 3). Point being, they’re fun because I’m smarter than them, and you can give them back at the end of the day.

I said that to say this: If I EVER come to a point in my life where entrusting the life of a pet to me is a legitimate possibility, and let’s say, I take on a dog that I name Brandon (because people names for pets is funny), and Brandon needs to be fed, and I buy food to give to him…if, when I give it to him, I talk to Brandon like it’s a fucking Beneful commercial…you as my friends must kill me.

That is all.

XOXO,

-r

PS. In writing this post, I found that if you misspell masturbation, MS Word automatically fixes it for you. God love software engineers.