Dear Post Office

Dear Post Office on M Street,
Thank you for cranking the sexy time jams on the intercom. While waiting in line for 20 minutes to mail two envelopes, I was soothed by the sultry melodies of some late 90's R&B songs, some of which I distinctly remember NOT dancing to at middle and high school dances. Now normally I dig the old motown and Bob Marley you have playing, but today must be a special day. Next time you play some slow, sweet, saxy jams dim the lights and pass out some dixie cups of cognac. People will be making love connections faster than you can sell those Forever Stamps. If you're not offering service with a smile, at least it can sound like you're offering service with a happy ending.

It WAS as good for me as it was for you.
~Pleased poster

Dear Charles

Dear Charles the Crossing Guard,
I love you. Yep, you brighten my morning by saying things like, "You always have the most beautiful smile." And, the classic question as I eat oatmeal out of a red Solo cup, "You got Hennessy in there?" No sir, I do not generally drink alcohol on my way to work, but thank you for asking. I understand how the disposable party cup might throw you off, and I do walk past three liquor stores on my way to the metro so perhaps I might need a little pep in the morning, but I typically wait until at least noon before a little happy hour. I highly enjoy our awkward morning exchanges, for example, "I didn't know you wear glasses?" Sir, not sure you really know my name let alone the status of my vision issues. I remember your name because I got sick of saying good morning for six months without knowing yours so I just asked and now you're in the awkward position of not wanting to ask me mine again. Nonetheless, my day doesn't start without some coffee and an awkward/pleasant conversation with you about the weather, my breakfast, or any other sundry compliments you feel the need to tell me. If I were about 30 years older, I'd let you buy me some Hennessy for my oatmeal cup.
Thanks for being a friendly face,
~Ms. Sunshine

Dear readers

Dear readers,
WE ARE UP OVER 100 posts! Thanks for the submissions! Keep 'em coming!

Grateful,
Editor

Dear Patient In The Waiting Room

Dear Patient In The Waiting Room,
While it is lovely that you've so thoughtfully arrived before your appointment time, showing up 90 minutes before said appointment will not get you in to see our doctor sooner. You see, the policy in this office is that we don't make people who show up at the right time wait because you decided to get creative with your schedule. I'm not saying we won't slide you in if there is a no-show, but what is more likely to happen is that we will get behind and not only will you wait the 90 minutes until your appointment time, but you will also wait until we can get to you. This brings me to the main issue...don't sit in the chair across from my fishbowl window and stare at me for two hours while I work. It's creepy.

Thanks,
A Fish Not Called Wanda

Dear Stephen the Safeway Bagger

Dear Stephen the Safeway Bagger,
I don't know if you're new to the "bagging" scene, and I know there's all kinds of talk of "tea bagging" here in Washington, but I think you're confused. The cardinal rule of bagging groceries is NEVER PUT THE FUCKING BANANAS AT THE BOTTOM OF 30 LBS OF GROCERIES. It's not that tough. You just try not to squish things like bread, eggs, bananas, etc. with the gallon jug of OJ and 20 frozen dinners. Perhaps you like bruised bananas, but they make me gag. I don't pay 58 cents a pound to test my gag reflex.

Thank you for ignoring the bloody obvious,
Brown Banana Blues

Dear Snackwells

Dear Snackwells,
A serving size is not "one cookie". THAT is bullshit. Who do you think you are making cookies for chubby ladies and telling them to eat only one?! Clearly we buy them because we have self control issues.

WTF,
Junk in my Trunk

Dear NCAA "experts", ESPN announcers and POTUS

Dear NCAA "experts", ESPN announcers and POTUS,
Thank you so much for your support. You "expertise" in picking Siena to beat Purdue, simply because Robbie Hummel was out, demonstrated a complete lack of respect for and helped motivate, one of the best "teams" in the country. Since most of you apparently don't know much about basketball, it takes 5 players, not just one, to make a team. That is the beauty of the Boilermakers, they are a team. Is Robbie not playing a loss? Yes! Does that mean the team is no longer any good? Doesn't look that way, as the Boilers not only beat Siena, they also took care of TX A&M. So since I am sure you can't believe it, FYI, we are playing at 9:57 PM on Friday night.
Moving forward, please, stick to your areas of expertise, which would appear to be ditch digging, dumpster diving and bankrupting the US economy. We will see you all on Friday! BOILERUP!!!!

Sincerely,
Purdue Pete

Dear "Sports Nation"

Dear "Sports Nation",
BTFU! For those non-Purdue almunus, that's Boiler the F*ck Up! For those 68% of you out there in the ESPN Sports Nation who thought that Purdue would lose to Siena (including you Obama), suck it!!! Sweet 16, baby! I believe, if you look at the bracket, that is one round further than Kansas, Villanova and Georgetown advanced.
You know, they named a street at Purdue after Chris Kramer. That day, 7 people died crossing that street. You know why, well, because NO ONE crosses Chris Kramer!

Bring on the Blue Devils,
Ms. Boilermaker

Dear Tiger Woods

Dear Tiger Woods,
I can't believe I am wasting a second blog post on you, but your recent, and first since "the scandal" interview has prompted me to write again. I must admit, having a PR degree, I can firmly say, its about damn time you did an interview. But lets be serious, YOU HAVE TO ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS. "That's personal." I espeically loved the way that you avoided mentioning that you went to sec rehab, you simply "had treatment." Loved the way you came back to the fact you "lost your way from Buddhism." When in doubt, go to religion. I think its quite hilarious you are most nervous about the way the fans will react to you. You should be scared. They are going to eat you alive. You don't even have a sponsor for your golf bag! So instead of working on repairing those relationships, as well as those with your fan base, youa re busy sueing a company who made a blow-up doll based on you. Hilarious. You gotta take the heat, El Tigre. But kudos on your first interview, with ESPN. Next stop, OPRAH!

2 weeks 'til the Masters,
Golfer

PS- I thinks its hilarious you are not mentioned or show in a SINGLE Master's commercial!

Dear Young Lost Kid on the Bus

Dear Young Lost Kid on the Bus,
Please stop texting me. I gave you my number after I helped you into a cab in case you had some other catastrophe with your wasted cousins who left you at the bus stop. I don't want to keep in touch. Please stop over using emoticons as well. I'm not interested in you, I'm just friendly and Mid-western.

Best of luck in your sophomore year of college in Jersey,
Ms. Helpful

Dear Overkill

Dear Overkill,

I fully support your voracious appetite for current events. Truly, kudos to you. As I see you're reading the paper, you may be aware that it is in fact the year 2010. We have technology now that allows you to see while wearing only one pair of glasses. You should check it out. I bet there's an ad for Dr. Tavel somewhere in that paper you're reading!

Pass me the sports section please,
~subway rider

Dear Crazy Mannequin Lady

Dear Crazy Mannequin Lady,

Well, it appears you are right on schedule with your crazy pills today. It took you a solid ten minutes to drag your little metal cart to the exact spot you wanted next to your tiny table in this tiny Soho restaurant like a dog circling before laying down. I'm impressed you waited five minutes before raising your freak flag though. The wait must have been tough. I must say, when you brought out the sequined mannequin head because you "don't like to eat alone", it was the most entertaining part of my day. I appreciate that you topped of the crazy by wearing a white spaghetti strap tank top with no bra because you wanted to air out your uber hairy NBA player armpits and feel the breeze on your furry arm mole. My hawk eyed vision paired with my sensitive gag reflex made choking down my lunch a bit tough as I saw your silver hamster armpits rustle in the spring air. Thankfully the breeze was not strong enough to carry the scent of your undoubtedly au naturale armpits. I'm sure your eccentricity brightened the days of all of the busy strangers you stopped on the street as they passed your table and wearily listened to you explaining how you hate to eat alone and so your bring your Vegas-show-girl tranny head out to eat lunch with you. Thank you for eavesdropping too and listening in to our conversations with your injections and opinions. Shh...do you hear that? Do you recognize that tone? It's sarcasm, the same tone you heard when you told us all about your creepy dolls and we said, "That's nice".

Pack up your crazy and bother some other diner please,
~Let me eat my Indian food in peace please

P.S. When you went to the bathroom the entire restaurant, especially your waiter, enjoyed watching our little photo session with your creepy inanimate companion.

Dear Census 2010

Dear Census 2010,
What a huge let down. All of the news stories. All of the commericals. "Fill the form out immediately and return. Be honest; help your community get grant money." I was kinda pumped to receive the form in the mail. BUT...wah wah wah. Guess what, I am single, live alone and ....gasp....WHITE! Boooo! I am not helping my community the least. Now that I think about it, I should have listed 8 people on the form and made them all a minority. Now THAT, is helping my community.

For the good of the people,
Tax Payer

Dear County of Decatur

Dear County of Decatur,
I admit, I was speeding on the bypass, and I deserved the ticket. With that admission, I agree to pay the fine. Oh, how convenient, you can pay this ticket online! Awesome. But wait, I have to call your office between the house of 8am and 4pm to get the cause number to complete the form online to pay the fine. WTF. How is that any more efficient for any of the parties involved. F-U. You will be receiving my check via snail mail. I am not paying a "flat convenience fee" to pay my ticket online when it is NOT convenient.

Screw you,
Lead Foot

Dear Cancer

Dear Cancer,
YOU SUCK!!!! You attack people without any thought to who they are. You are one selfish BASTARD. You eat at peoples lives and families and deserve to be CONQUERED! I will relish the day you are no longer the one in power.

F-U,
the friend of one of your too many victims

Dear email client

Dear email client,
It has taken count it, 25 minutes for my email to reboot this morning. Not only that, but it has taken 35 minutes for the PC to be functional. WTF. Do you know what the great "productivity loss" is during March Madness? INCAPABLE MACHINES. So, the Man, that being said, why don't you go ahead and invest in your employees and get us machines with capables programs and capable hard drives so we can get work done...instead of writing rant blog entries.

Thanks,
Just tryin' to do some work here!

Dear lame ass

Dear lame ass,
I really enjoyed the text today "how is your head feeling today?" Funny, I feel fine. I have no headache, no hangover. I feel fantastic. Guess what, when I called you a dick last night, I wasn't drunk, I was being Irish, which is what I am. Get over it.

Póg mo thóin,
O'Sasshole

Dear convertible-truck guy

Dear covertible-truck guy,
While drinking Pabst and shooting your fake deer in the backyard, it probably sounded like a great idea.
"I betcha I could get more chicks if I cut off the roof of my truck and made it a convertible!"
"How're we gonna do that?"
"Ya have any tools, like a hand saw?"
"Hell yea, Brother. Let's get it on."
"When I scoop the deuce-nickle, the chicks are gonna wanna hop in MY ride at Lincoln Skate Center! And they won't get out at Taco Bell!"
Well guess what, your dumbass drunk idea is totally impractical. How many months out of the year can you actually use your "pimp ride?" Let alone its a Chevy S-10 truck, Com'on. Seriously? Are you just that redneck? It looks totally lame. And its really a good thing you park it at the back of the Marsh parking lot, wouldn't want anyone to hit that piece of hillybilly glory.

Loving my sunroof,
me

Dear Zen Guy

Dear Zen Guy,
Please shut up. You're loud, annoying and full of yourself. Please stop calling yourself enlightened, you're too mad to be enlightened. And I'm not going to be your follower when you get in my face and interrupt my life to tell me shit I've heard ten thousand times. Stop telling me about all the people you've trained and how special you are. You've told me. I already know. And I am NOT going to be more into meditation because you force it on me. What ever happened to live and let live? It's time to put your big kid panties on and get over yourself. I like you less and less every day that you try to overwhelm people with your incessant ranting. And please, turn down the volume. Apparently you never learned about "inside voices". You are always talking about going to live in a cave. Well, I think now is the time, and the world will be better off.

Being loud and annoying wont make me do anything,
L

Dear girls in locker room at gym

Dear girls in locker room at gym,
Please stop taking pictures of yourself in the room while others are trying to change. It makes some of us uncomfortable, and I'm pretty sure you could find a better back drop for your self portraits in your phone.

Thanks,
Gym-Go'er

Dear smokers

Dear smokers,
Please dispose of your cigarette butts in the appointed trash cans designated and marked for you, not in the parking lots. Again, they are marked for cigarette butts, just for you. Please use them. Thinking of all the baby birds that are going to ingest those and die! And, I hate looking at them on the ground outside your car that you instist on smoking in.

Thanks,
Mgmt

Dear spring

Dear spring,
Where are you? Did you take a wrong turn? Did you see your shadow? Just in case you were wondering, it is mid-March, and it is time for thunderstorms and hail, not grey and cold and snow flurries. It is time for leaves on trees and little flowers to pop up, and the weeds in the yard to show their face. Please, wake up from your nap. We need you.

Seasonal Depression sucks,
ME

Dear textsfromlastnight.com

Dear textsfromlastnight.com,
I must admit, I forgot about you for a few weeks. I just re-discovered you, and damn, you are hilarious. I am back to being hooked again.

Thanks for the laugh,
ME

Dear O'Shea

Dear O'Shea,
You really had me fooled. I thought you were a great guy with potential, until you dropped the "Oh yea, I have a live-in girlfriend, we've been together for 6 years" bomb. What the hell? You had several opportunities to share that important tidbit. FAIL. I am sure you are "different from the rest" and that you are "unhappy with your life at home," but its the same old story, same old song and dance. I really don't feel sorry for you because you "feel sorry for her and are with her out of pity" and you feel like you are "wasting years of your life." I'm sure it is just "easier to not rock the boat" and that you "really felt a connection with me" and that I "brought a spark back in you that has been lost for a long time," but that sure as shit doesn't change the situation. You further FAILED with a text message 4 days after I told you peace out that said "I wake up every morning not able to keep myself from thinking about you." Do you think those words will change my mind? I agree, you have some serious shit to figure out with your full-time dog sitter, but leave me out of it. BTW- I don't buy I am the first person you have met on the road. You are on the road 36 weeks out of the year. I really hope this dog sitter at home isn't as dumb as you seem to think she is. Get over yourself and your "guilt." And if you do get up the courage to make a change, don't bother calling. Actually, forget my number. I forgot yours.

Wasn't born yesterday,
Me

Dear Chi-town or bust

Dear Chi-town or bust,
WTF!?! Did you really paint your car to go to Oprah? That may be the lamest window paint I have ever seen. I can only hope someone did that as a prank. Hey, that's a really good idea actually!

Fueling up,
65 driver

Dear Postal Employees and Customers

Dear Postal Employees and Customers,
I know that the process for getting stamps and sending packages is unbelievably complicated. I mean, you have it prepped, take it to the counter and pay, but could you please, remember that some folks have better things to do than stand and watch you try and see how much stuff you can cram in an express envelope. Or write out your check after you have told your life story to the clerk. And Clerks, get these people moving, if they aren't ready, bump them and go to somebody who is. Is it any wonder that the USPS is going to lose $7bln this year and that mail has dropped 40mln pieces in the last year. Idiots sending snail mail and clerks who are just there waiting to retire make it very customer unfriendly.

Sincerely,
The Postmaster General

Dear Administrative Assistant

Dear Administrative Assistant,
I know you are a late 40's/early50's divorcee who thinks she is a Cougar, but can you please, remember this is a work place. No one wants to see your fake and bake, stretch mark covered body while we are walking by your desk. Please, talk to your kids and ask them to honestly tell you if your clothing is appropriate for your age before you leave the house. If they are ever honest with you, they will say, resoundingly, "NO"!

Always,
Fashionista

Dear Wendy's Drive Thru Customer/Idiot

Dear Wendy's Drive Thru Customer/Idiot,
As you sit there wondering why the workers are not coming on to take your order, I can only say that you need to pull up to where the microphone is and not sit and stare at the preliminary menu. That is there so you can have your damn mind made up when you get to the order station. The last couple of days have truly demonstrated to me that you should have to go through some sort of licensing procedure to be allowed to procreate.

Sincerely,
Waiting in line behind your dumb ass

Dear Drug Store Entrepreneurs

Dear Drug Store Entrepreneurs,
As I sit next to you and listen to your "brilliant" idea of getting more Oxycontin at the Franklin and Columbus CVS, because they won't know you were just at the Edinburgh CVS, I can only wonder if the internet is as foreign a concept to you as regular bathing!!! The aroma of stale cigarette smoke is only over powered by your perfume. I believe I have seen it on the counter at Macy's and it is called "Eau de' Hooker"

Best of luck with your ingenious business ideas,
Bored and Sick

Dear Friends,

Those of you who know me understand that I keep to myself quite a bit. I don’t make it out as much as some. I’d rather cook dinner at home then go to a restaurant. I haven’t had sex in a while, but I’m pretty sure that that’s okay because maybe I do it better than anyone else (okay, that may be a stretch).

I don’t have pets for the same reason that I don’t have kids. They’re too much fucking work for me and God knows that with the aforementioned activities, I really don’t have much time on my hands. (Although I may have other things on my hands…get it? That’s another masturbation reference.)

Pets make many people happy, and again, like kids, I enjoy other people’s pets (don’t take either of those out of context although it may be difficult with all this masturbation talk going on. That's 3). Point being, they’re fun because I’m smarter than them, and you can give them back at the end of the day.

I said that to say this: If I EVER come to a point in my life where entrusting the life of a pet to me is a legitimate possibility, and let’s say, I take on a dog that I name Brandon (because people names for pets is funny), and Brandon needs to be fed, and I buy food to give to him…if, when I give it to him, I talk to Brandon like it’s a fucking Beneful commercial…you as my friends must kill me.

That is all.

XOXO,

-r

PS. In writing this post, I found that if you misspell masturbation, MS Word automatically fixes it for you. God love software engineers.

Dear Walmart Shopper girl

Dear Walmart Shopper girl,
I realize that Saturday morning is an extremely casual time and that rolling out of bed is a major accomplishment. However, I must protest when I see you and your extreme fake and bake tan, ass the size of 2 country hams, silk boxer shorts that are creeping where they shouldn't because they are 2 sizes 2 small and UGGGH boots on, walking through the cookie aisle. My God woman, do you not realize how ridiculous you look? I saw enough cellulite to sink a battle ship! Do you not realize that there are children in Walmart who will likely now be in therapy and on Zyprexa for the rest of their natural born lives from seeing this sight?!?!? The Good Lord only know how many grandma's and grandpa's you sent running for the nursing homes! Please, in the name of all that is holy, never go out in public looking like that again. It is events like this that make be believe we have way too many participants in the gene pool.

Love ya,
What should be, but obviously isn't, your common sense

Dear the Greatest Sports Town in America, Pittsburg

Dear the Greatest Sports Town in America, Pittsburg,
There has been some debate for years over who has the greatest sports fans, is it Chicago, St. Louis, Philadelphia etc. As of last night, the votes are in and that crown belongs to the people of Pittsburg PA. During introductions for the Pittsburg Penguins game last night, Pittsburgh booed their own player, recent Canadian Olympian, Sidney Crosby, who just happened to score the winning goal against team USA in the gold medal game. They then went on to give a standing ovation to Buffalo Sabres and US Olympic team goalie, Ryan Miller!!! Now that is what I call having your priorities straight!!! Very tough love coming from a working class American city!! Pro team allegiance aside, your country comes first!!!

God Bless America
Uncle Sam

Dear Little Debbie

Dear Little Debbie,
It is that time of year - Easter cake time! You have managed to create a delicious sugary treat for every possible holiday throughout the year. I see them near the check out lane, in all their impulse purchase glory. I of course, succumb to the confectionery delight, not to mention the extra caloric intake. How do you make them all so wonderfully delicious and irresistible? If I could marry an Easter cake, I think I would. Thank you for the delicious afternoon snack...and sometimes evening dessert.

Sugar-high,
diabetic

Dear Wal-Mart shoppers

Dear Wal-Mart shoppers,
You have left nothing to your fellow shoppers imaginations, middle-aged Wal-Mart shoppers. 2 new pillows, check. New navy blue sheets, check. 5 minute battle over whether or not to buy KY Intense, check. Have fun grandma and grandpa. I am going to go throw up my dinner now. Thanks for the new diet.

Ew.
Me

Dear bankrupt local bank

Dear bankrupt local bank,
It totally sucks you managed yourself so poorly you went under. It sucks even more we have to pay for it, with a new card, new account numbers, new pins, and new late charges because some of us are responsible and have bills paid automatically every month because our card was denied due to a new card being issued! YOU SUCK.

My new debit card is ugly,
bill-payer

Dear Little Richard

Dear Little Richard,
Celebrity card dealer by day, karaoke performer by night! I LOVE YOU LAS VEGAS! Where else can you see such entertainment? NO WHERE! Only at the Imperial Palace, baby!

A once a year must,
Cher

Dear Grandma in line at security

Dear Grandma in line at security,
Have you traveled since the invention of the airplane? I am guessing you go to Las Vegas via plane, so you have to know the rules provided, for our safety, from TSA. You can not bring more than 3 oz of liquids on the plane. So...that being said, pretty sure the liter of Smirnoff you tried to bring through in your purse is a no go. As the security guard says "people, the party stops here, folks!" I have to admire your spunk though.

Viva Las Vegas,
Elvis