Dear street bartender,
I know you think you are being discrete, but it is day light and your brown paper bags is only half covering your bottle of bicardi. Next time, maybe you should try turning your back to K street while mixing your breakfast?
God bless America,
me
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Dear couple at the gym pool that think they are at Sandals Jamaica
Dear couple at the gym pool that think they are at Sandals Jamaica,
I know, our pool has some pretty awesome water slides, some water buckets, fountains, etc...but really, I am not quite sure how you have mistaken the lap pool for Sandals Jamaica. People come to the pool to swim laps and work out, not watch you "work it" and pitch a tent. Its disgusting. I know the commercials are very persuasive, and if you close your eyes when you hear the "time of your life" song, you can teleport there, but please, put on your bikini on and do it on your couch. Didn't you ever hear "NO PDA IN THE POOL" at the local pool growing up? Same rules apply. SO, get out of the pool and let us get on with our workouts, but please have the kindness to wait until your little swimmer isn't so excited.
Just trying to stay work out,
Swimmer
I know, our pool has some pretty awesome water slides, some water buckets, fountains, etc...but really, I am not quite sure how you have mistaken the lap pool for Sandals Jamaica. People come to the pool to swim laps and work out, not watch you "work it" and pitch a tent. Its disgusting. I know the commercials are very persuasive, and if you close your eyes when you hear the "time of your life" song, you can teleport there, but please, put on your bikini on and do it on your couch. Didn't you ever hear "NO PDA IN THE POOL" at the local pool growing up? Same rules apply. SO, get out of the pool and let us get on with our workouts, but please have the kindness to wait until your little swimmer isn't so excited.
Just trying to stay work out,
Swimmer
Dear Saxophone man at the Metro
Dear Saxophone man at the Metro,
It is not the 1980s. Your music sounds like the soundtrack from "The Red Shoe Diaries." Vom.
My ears hurt,
Metro Rider
Dear Gum-Chomping Director
Dear Gum-Chomping Director,
Far be it from me to complain, but the fact that you find it acceptable to chomp gum with an open mouth and talk to me at the same time is quite disturbing. Maybe no one has told you for fear of the HR Nazi's coming down on them or political correctness has gotten the better of people. Gum chewing at work, while talking is UNBELIEVABLY unprofessional, not to mention disgusting. If I really wanted to see that kind of stuff, I am sure I could find some sick website and view it from the comfort of my own home. Please, get a clue and realize it makes you lose the respect of your colleagues and gives them even more ammunition to lob your way.
Sincerely,
M. Manners
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Dear Ketchup and Mustard
Dear Ketchup and Mustard,
You two are some FIERCE patriots sporting your bright suits at the S.O.T.U. address. I <3 your unflinching fashion sense. Who would have thought fluorescent yellow was such a fetching color? And your friend in the red is sheer perfection. When you stand up and sit down together during the speech and you clap with such enthusiasm, it makes me feel like I'm at a baseball game and YES, I WANT A HOT DOG! AND A PRETZEL! 'Cause it's root, root, root for the home team! If they don't win it's a shame! For it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the old Washington game.
God bless America, and God bless your suits,
~Condiment Luvah
You two are some FIERCE patriots sporting your bright suits at the S.O.T.U. address. I <3 your unflinching fashion sense. Who would have thought fluorescent yellow was such a fetching color? And your friend in the red is sheer perfection. When you stand up and sit down together during the speech and you clap with such enthusiasm, it makes me feel like I'm at a baseball game and YES, I WANT A HOT DOG! AND A PRETZEL! 'Cause it's root, root, root for the home team! If they don't win it's a shame! For it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the old Washington game.
God bless America, and God bless your suits,
~Condiment Luvah
Dear Make-up Lady at Sephora
Dear Make-up Lady at Sephora,
Just wanted to let you know that I am not a cyclops. Apparently you thought I was, since you decided to give me dark smoky eye make-up but abandoned me after only doing one eye. I tried to clean myself up, but apparently you used the waterproof stuff. I got sympathetic looks from everyone in the mall since it looked like I'm in an abusive relationship.
Yep,
you suck.
Just wanted to let you know that I am not a cyclops. Apparently you thought I was, since you decided to give me dark smoky eye make-up but abandoned me after only doing one eye. I tried to clean myself up, but apparently you used the waterproof stuff. I got sympathetic looks from everyone in the mall since it looked like I'm in an abusive relationship.
Yep,
you suck.
Dear Joe Biden
Dear Joe Biden,
I loooooooove you. The best part of the State of the Union speech, BY FAR, is watching your delightfully animated face as you furrow your brow with an expression that says, "Come on Joe! Focus. You can't do the Arsenio Hall WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! until the end...". I love your silly faces only slightly more than I love Nancy Pelosi's frozen expression. She has to clap and stand to express her approval since her face is immobile. This speech to uber entertaining.
Best of luck being on your best behavior Joe!
xoxoxo
~FAN/Voter
P.S. Go Scranton!!
I loooooooove you. The best part of the State of the Union speech, BY FAR, is watching your delightfully animated face as you furrow your brow with an expression that says, "Come on Joe! Focus. You can't do the Arsenio Hall WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! until the end...". I love your silly faces only slightly more than I love Nancy Pelosi's frozen expression. She has to clap and stand to express her approval since her face is immobile. This speech to uber entertaining.
Best of luck being on your best behavior Joe!
xoxoxo
~FAN/Voter
P.S. Go Scranton!!
Dear Man with Leopard Print Hair
Dear Man with Leopard Print Hair,
Um, excuse me Sir, but is that your natural hair color? Are you the offspring of a cougar and a bad decision? Your hair just looks foooooolish. And painful. To dye your hair that many colors seems like such a prodigious waste of time, not to mention it's so fugly it's offensive to cats. I hope a stray cat brings you dead critters and poops in your flower pots. If I was a jungle cat I would bitch slap you (claws out), then scalp you, then use your sorry excuse for a hair do as a toy, which I would then hide under my jungle cat couch.
Meow,
~Unimpressed
Um, excuse me Sir, but is that your natural hair color? Are you the offspring of a cougar and a bad decision? Your hair just looks foooooolish. And painful. To dye your hair that many colors seems like such a prodigious waste of time, not to mention it's so fugly it's offensive to cats. I hope a stray cat brings you dead critters and poops in your flower pots. If I was a jungle cat I would bitch slap you (claws out), then scalp you, then use your sorry excuse for a hair do as a toy, which I would then hide under my jungle cat couch.
Meow,
~Unimpressed
Dear man with face tattoos
Dear man with face tattoos,
Damn son, you look fierce. NOT! I'm sure when you were wasted and decided to get skulls tattooed by your eyes it seemed like a really intimidating idea. However, as you have aged you look like you just came from the face painting booth at a kiddie carnival. Funny how droopy skulls now look like butterflies. Rather than a big scary biker, you look like a ZZ Top fan and a Mariah Carey fan had some creepy old man baby masquerading as a tween.
Crank up the Miley!!
~Creeeeeeepy
Damn son, you look fierce. NOT! I'm sure when you were wasted and decided to get skulls tattooed by your eyes it seemed like a really intimidating idea. However, as you have aged you look like you just came from the face painting booth at a kiddie carnival. Funny how droopy skulls now look like butterflies. Rather than a big scary biker, you look like a ZZ Top fan and a Mariah Carey fan had some creepy old man baby masquerading as a tween.
Crank up the Miley!!
~Creeeeeeepy
Dear Lady on a cell phone in the bathroom
Dear Lady on a cell phone in the bathroom,
I get that you're not speaking English which affords you some degree of privacy, but I'm pretty sure that talking on the phone while peeing in a public restroom is not acceptable in many cultures. I appreciate that you feel comfortable enough with your call companion, but the restroom at school with it's ten automatic flush toilets is not your haus. Yes, I said it-haus. How do you say "Excuse me while I wipe" in German?
Ewwwwwww
~Grossed out
I get that you're not speaking English which affords you some degree of privacy, but I'm pretty sure that talking on the phone while peeing in a public restroom is not acceptable in many cultures. I appreciate that you feel comfortable enough with your call companion, but the restroom at school with it's ten automatic flush toilets is not your haus. Yes, I said it-haus. How do you say "Excuse me while I wipe" in German?
Ewwwwwww
~Grossed out
Dear Man with a Megaphone
Dear Man with a Megaphone,
I really appreciate your cause, I truly do, but when you stand in front of the White House with a megaphone and say "Thousands of millions of people blah blah blah" NO ONE BELIEVES YOU. That's not a real degree of magnitude. Your hyperbole undermines your credibility no matter how worthy your cause. Don't sweat it though, only ten people were at your protest anyway. Not to mention President Obama won't do shit about your problems in D.C.
Best of luck counting,
~Can I get a witness
I really appreciate your cause, I truly do, but when you stand in front of the White House with a megaphone and say "Thousands of millions of people blah blah blah" NO ONE BELIEVES YOU. That's not a real degree of magnitude. Your hyperbole undermines your credibility no matter how worthy your cause. Don't sweat it though, only ten people were at your protest anyway. Not to mention President Obama won't do shit about your problems in D.C.
Best of luck counting,
~Can I get a witness
Dear IT Department
Dear IT Department,
It is really dumbfounding how a Fortune 500 company has a completely incapable IT department. And by incapable, I mean system-wise and helpdesk-wise. I mean, we make billions of dollars and engineer some pretty high-tech shit, but we can't have email for a week? "Server is fixed" my ass. How does that happen? And when I call with a probem, "Jason" (with Indian accent) gives me a bunch of shit, leaving me even more frustrated and ready to toss my POS laptop out the window. Seriously, how can you not fix email for a week??? WE HAVE CUSTOMERS (which in case you forgot, give us money for our product and coincidentally, is how you get paid) WHO RELY ON EMAIL COMMUNICATION WITH US. And when email is working, the rest of the machine is runing 20 seconds behind each click. Hell, I could be getting so many chores done at home if I knew my computer and email were not going to work between the hours of 8:30am and 4:30pm. Please get your shit together. Before you not only have broken machines, but broken windows with broken machines resting outside them. Oh lord, then facilities will have to get involved. HELP.
Thanks,
Unproductive
It is really dumbfounding how a Fortune 500 company has a completely incapable IT department. And by incapable, I mean system-wise and helpdesk-wise. I mean, we make billions of dollars and engineer some pretty high-tech shit, but we can't have email for a week? "Server is fixed" my ass. How does that happen? And when I call with a probem, "Jason" (with Indian accent) gives me a bunch of shit, leaving me even more frustrated and ready to toss my POS laptop out the window. Seriously, how can you not fix email for a week??? WE HAVE CUSTOMERS (which in case you forgot, give us money for our product and coincidentally, is how you get paid) WHO RELY ON EMAIL COMMUNICATION WITH US. And when email is working, the rest of the machine is runing 20 seconds behind each click. Hell, I could be getting so many chores done at home if I knew my computer and email were not going to work between the hours of 8:30am and 4:30pm. Please get your shit together. Before you not only have broken machines, but broken windows with broken machines resting outside them. Oh lord, then facilities will have to get involved. HELP.
Thanks,
Unproductive
Monday, January 25, 2010
Dear guy trying to prove you have a real job
Dear guy trying to prove you have a real job,
We really appreciate you coming into our meeting to give us 20 minutes of drivel on your work plan for the year. By all means, please, feel free to never tell us what the basic idea behind the program that you lead. Only come in and try and justify why our company is spending millions on something our customers should already be doing. You know who you are and I could pick out a couple hundred more like you at work.
Signed,
Too many meetings
We really appreciate you coming into our meeting to give us 20 minutes of drivel on your work plan for the year. By all means, please, feel free to never tell us what the basic idea behind the program that you lead. Only come in and try and justify why our company is spending millions on something our customers should already be doing. You know who you are and I could pick out a couple hundred more like you at work.
Signed,
Too many meetings
Dear Caterpillar eyebrow guy
Dear Caterpillar eyebrow guy,
For the love of God, please, go out and buy some remingtons and trim that unibrow up. That look went out....well, I don't think it has ever been in style. Get some wax, buy an epiplus or spring for the laser surgery, so you look like a normal human instead of Cro-Magnon man.
Signed,
I need something to do.
For the love of God, please, go out and buy some remingtons and trim that unibrow up. That look went out....well, I don't think it has ever been in style. Get some wax, buy an epiplus or spring for the laser surgery, so you look like a normal human instead of Cro-Magnon man.
Signed,
I need something to do.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Dear Readers
Dear Readers,
Please send us your letters!!!
Email address: dearsoandsoityouknowwhoyouare@gmail.com
Please list how you want your post signed.
Thanks,
Management
Please send us your letters!!!
Email address: dearsoandsoityouknowwhoyouare@gmail.com
Please list how you want your post signed.
Thanks,
Management
Dear patient
Dear patient,
Could you please bathe before coming to your next doctor's appointment? It would really make the whole experience a little bit more "enjoyable" for all of us involved in your care.
Thanks,
Your doctor
Could you please bathe before coming to your next doctor's appointment? It would really make the whole experience a little bit more "enjoyable" for all of us involved in your care.
Thanks,
Your doctor
Dear neighbor with the obscene amount of Christmas decorations in your yard
Dear neighbor with the obscene amount of Christmas decorations in your yard,
THANK YOU FOR FINALLY TAKING DOWN YOUR DECORATIONS! And for stopping to play Christmas music outside at night for all of us to "enjoy." Guess what, we didn't. In fact, the 7 inflatable decorations you have on your corner, along with the dozen other decorations in your yard make me actually want to have a neighborhood association and pay dues. This is not a white trash neighborhood, really. But you are definitely bringing us down.
Thank you for realizing it is in fact, the end of January, and time to take them down. Now we all get to enjoy the huge dead grass circles in your yard, alongside the dead dog memorial stone on the corner. I think you have just convinced me to make fliers for the neighbors about creating an association.
Happy holidays,
Your neighbor
THANK YOU FOR FINALLY TAKING DOWN YOUR DECORATIONS! And for stopping to play Christmas music outside at night for all of us to "enjoy." Guess what, we didn't. In fact, the 7 inflatable decorations you have on your corner, along with the dozen other decorations in your yard make me actually want to have a neighborhood association and pay dues. This is not a white trash neighborhood, really. But you are definitely bringing us down.
Thank you for realizing it is in fact, the end of January, and time to take them down. Now we all get to enjoy the huge dead grass circles in your yard, alongside the dead dog memorial stone on the corner. I think you have just convinced me to make fliers for the neighbors about creating an association.
Happy holidays,
Your neighbor
Dear Trafalgar
Dear Trafalgar,
Did you realize your name backwards is "Raglafart?"
Just driving through,
B
Did you realize your name backwards is "Raglafart?"
Just driving through,
B
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Dear guy in the Chevy truck
Dear guy in the Chevy truck,
You are next to me at the stop light, and your windows are very tinted, and its dark out. But guess what? I can still see you picking your nose.
Enjoy your snack,
Lady in the BMW next to you
You are next to me at the stop light, and your windows are very tinted, and its dark out. But guess what? I can still see you picking your nose.
Enjoy your snack,
Lady in the BMW next to you
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Dear Modern Family, the TV show
Dear Modern Family, the TV show,
"hahahahaha!!!" That's the sound coming from my living room every Wednesday night at 9PM. You are the best comedy on TV today, hands down. And that says a lot. The Office, 30 Rock, Glee, How I Met Your Mother, all damn funny. But you...you are just...so well written. Your cast knocks it out of the park, nailing their roles. The way that jokes run through an entire episode...the way you exploit common stereotypes of homosexuals and Latinas...its brilliant. Thank you for being you, and giving me something to look forward to in the middle of the week.
XOXO,
Loyal Viewer
"hahahahaha!!!" That's the sound coming from my living room every Wednesday night at 9PM. You are the best comedy on TV today, hands down. And that says a lot. The Office, 30 Rock, Glee, How I Met Your Mother, all damn funny. But you...you are just...so well written. Your cast knocks it out of the park, nailing their roles. The way that jokes run through an entire episode...the way you exploit common stereotypes of homosexuals and Latinas...its brilliant. Thank you for being you, and giving me something to look forward to in the middle of the week.
XOXO,
Loyal Viewer
Dear guy at the gym who works out in jeans
Dear guy at the gym that works out in jeans and headphones from 1985,
You know who you are. You just can't give up those carpenter jeans with a rip in the knee, with the lite acid wash. They might just be your best friend. You just love you can still fit into them!Did you realize jeans are not appropriate attire to wear to the gym to work out? And what's up with the headphones? Are you talking to the spcae station or something? Hope you enjoy the workout, don't sweat too much. It might make those jeans just a little bit tighter than they should be.
Pump it up,
you know who
You know who you are. You just can't give up those carpenter jeans with a rip in the knee, with the lite acid wash. They might just be your best friend. You just love you can still fit into them!Did you realize jeans are not appropriate attire to wear to the gym to work out? And what's up with the headphones? Are you talking to the spcae station or something? Hope you enjoy the workout, don't sweat too much. It might make those jeans just a little bit tighter than they should be.
Pump it up,
you know who
Dear Insurance Company
Dear Insurance Company,
YOU SUCK! Its like you know I am going to get sick at the beginning of the year, just in time to rape me on my HSA money right from the get go. Seriously, $400 out the first 20 days of the year?! What is the point of carrying you, insurance, when I end up paying the same damn amount if I didn't have you?
"What, $199 for ONE prescription?!"
"Yes ma'am, do you have insurance?"
"Yes, I do"
"Oh good....let me adjust the price....that will be $180."
"WTF, seriously?! So glad I had my insurance card with me. What a life saver! Thank god I just saved $19 with my insurance!"
Enjoy your big fat bonuses, a-holes. I will be eating ramen noodles for the next 11 months because I got a sinus infection.
Damn you,
Me
YOU SUCK! Its like you know I am going to get sick at the beginning of the year, just in time to rape me on my HSA money right from the get go. Seriously, $400 out the first 20 days of the year?! What is the point of carrying you, insurance, when I end up paying the same damn amount if I didn't have you?
"What, $199 for ONE prescription?!"
"Yes ma'am, do you have insurance?"
"Yes, I do"
"Oh good....let me adjust the price....that will be $180."
"WTF, seriously?! So glad I had my insurance card with me. What a life saver! Thank god I just saved $19 with my insurance!"
Enjoy your big fat bonuses, a-holes. I will be eating ramen noodles for the next 11 months because I got a sinus infection.
Damn you,
Me
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Dear crazy lady in the Library of Congress
Dear crazy lady in the Library of Congress,
In case you weren't aware, the library is a place for quiet time. Which since you don't know what that means, let me spell it out for you. Quiet time means no talking, especially outloud to yourself. Please try to comply to this definition.
xoxo,
me
Dear lady in the gym locker room teasing your hair with a pick
Dear lady in the gym locker room teasing your hair with a pick,
Holy shit!? Are you really doing that? Did you really just curl your awesome 80's bangs, mega-hold hair spray those guys up and tease them with a pick?! AND THE MEGA-HOLD THEM IN PLACE AGAIN? I haven't seen a hair pick in 20 years! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? As Joey Lawrence would say, "woah!"
Looking at the "jogging suit" I think they called it, that you are wearing, I can only assume you haven't left your house since 1988. Congrats on overcoming your fear of human interaction...and venturing out to the gym of all places. I bet you grew tired of the thigh master and healthrider routine you've had going on.
Thanks for the time warp you just gave me, but you and your Keds need some serious help. And I am going to complain to gym management about the unbreathable air in the women's locker room, due to mega-hold aerosol hairspray.
Enjoy step-aerobics,
S
Holy shit!? Are you really doing that? Did you really just curl your awesome 80's bangs, mega-hold hair spray those guys up and tease them with a pick?! AND THE MEGA-HOLD THEM IN PLACE AGAIN? I haven't seen a hair pick in 20 years! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? As Joey Lawrence would say, "woah!"
Looking at the "jogging suit" I think they called it, that you are wearing, I can only assume you haven't left your house since 1988. Congrats on overcoming your fear of human interaction...and venturing out to the gym of all places. I bet you grew tired of the thigh master and healthrider routine you've had going on.
Thanks for the time warp you just gave me, but you and your Keds need some serious help. And I am going to complain to gym management about the unbreathable air in the women's locker room, due to mega-hold aerosol hairspray.
Enjoy step-aerobics,
S
Dear Dude Who Canceled Our Date...Again
Dear Dude Who Canceled Our Date...Again,
I gather from your pathetic little speech that you feel bad about canceling our date again because of sudden commitments, but rather that this reflecting on your feelings about our relationship, it more accurately reflects your inappropriate lack of fear of a 20 something single woman. If you put Bear Grylls in a room full of single women he would beg for mercy while weaving his intestines into an escape rope. We are the most terrifying creatures known to man, and you better recognize. So, when we reschedule this "rainchecked" date, you better make it right. Be a man, figure it out. Just because you're a novice, I'll give you a hint: wine, chocolate, flowers (preferably all three).Good luck with women for the rest of your life.
xoxox,
anonymous
P.S. You have officially earned yourself a "raincheck" next time you want to get some. How ya like them apples?
I gather from your pathetic little speech that you feel bad about canceling our date again because of sudden commitments, but rather that this reflecting on your feelings about our relationship, it more accurately reflects your inappropriate lack of fear of a 20 something single woman. If you put Bear Grylls in a room full of single women he would beg for mercy while weaving his intestines into an escape rope. We are the most terrifying creatures known to man, and you better recognize. So, when we reschedule this "rainchecked" date, you better make it right. Be a man, figure it out. Just because you're a novice, I'll give you a hint: wine, chocolate, flowers (preferably all three).Good luck with women for the rest of your life.
xoxox,
anonymous
P.S. You have officially earned yourself a "raincheck" next time you want to get some. How ya like them apples?
Dear Delta Airlines
Dear Delta Airlines,
As much as I appreciate the first class upgrade on my flight, this view from the terminal in Memphis before boarding was a bit disturbing. Perhaps you could do such work, like removing an entire ENGINE in maybe...a hanger? Not good PR, not good PR. Better hire Captain Sully if this is how you operate!
As much as I appreciate the first class upgrade on my flight, this view from the terminal in Memphis before boarding was a bit disturbing. Perhaps you could do such work, like removing an entire ENGINE in maybe...a hanger? Not good PR, not good PR. Better hire Captain Sully if this is how you operate!
Signed,
Frequent Flier
Dear person on the Metro with gas
Dear person on the metro with gas,
The train is moving slowly today and the doors are not opening and closing enough to circulate fresh air. Please stop making me feel like I am being gassed at Auschwitz.
Thanks!
J
The train is moving slowly today and the doors are not opening and closing enough to circulate fresh air. Please stop making me feel like I am being gassed at Auschwitz.
Thanks!
J
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