Dear street bartender

Dear street bartender,
I know you think you are being discrete, but it is day light and your brown paper bags is only half covering your bottle of bicardi. Next time, maybe you should try turning your back to K street while mixing your breakfast?

God bless America,
me

Dear couple at the gym pool that think they are at Sandals Jamaica

Dear couple at the gym pool that think they are at Sandals Jamaica,
I know, our pool has some pretty awesome water slides, some water buckets, fountains, etc...but really, I am not quite sure how you have mistaken the lap pool for Sandals Jamaica. People come to the pool to swim laps and work out, not watch you "work it" and pitch a tent. Its disgusting. I know the commercials are very persuasive, and if you close your eyes when you hear the "time of your life" song, you can teleport there, but please, put on your bikini on and do it on your couch. Didn't you ever hear "NO PDA IN THE POOL" at the local pool growing up? Same rules apply. SO, get out of the pool and let us get on with our workouts, but please have the kindness to wait until your little swimmer isn't so excited.

Just trying to stay work out,
Swimmer

Dear Saxophone man at the Metro

Dear Saxophone man at the Metro,
It is not the 1980s. Your music sounds like the soundtrack from "The Red Shoe Diaries." Vom.

My ears hurt,
Metro Rider

Dear Gum-Chomping Director

Dear Gum-Chomping Director,
Far be it from me to complain, but the fact that you find it acceptable to chomp gum with an open mouth and talk to me at the same time is quite disturbing. Maybe no one has told you for fear of the HR Nazi's coming down on them or political correctness has gotten the better of people. Gum chewing at work, while talking is UNBELIEVABLY unprofessional, not to mention disgusting. If I really wanted to see that kind of stuff, I am sure I could find some sick website and view it from the comfort of my own home. Please, get a clue and realize it makes you lose the respect of your colleagues and gives them even more ammunition to lob your way.

Sincerely,
M. Manners

Dear Ketchup and Mustard

Dear Ketchup and Mustard,
You two are some FIERCE patriots sporting your bright suits at the S.O.T.U. address. I <3 your unflinching fashion sense. Who would have thought fluorescent yellow was such a fetching color? And your friend in the red is sheer perfection. When you stand up and sit down together during the speech and you clap with such enthusiasm, it makes me feel like I'm at a baseball game and YES, I WANT A HOT DOG! AND A PRETZEL! 'Cause it's root, root, root for the home team! If they don't win it's a shame! For it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the old Washington game.

God bless America, and God bless your suits,
~Condiment Luvah

Dear Make-up Lady at Sephora

Dear Make-up Lady at Sephora,
Just wanted to let you know that I am not a cyclops. Apparently you thought I was, since you decided to give me dark smoky eye make-up but abandoned me after only doing one eye. I tried to clean myself up, but apparently you used the waterproof stuff. I got sympathetic looks from everyone in the mall since it looked like I'm in an abusive relationship.

Yep,
you suck.

Dear Joe Biden

Dear Joe Biden,
I loooooooove you. The best part of the State of the Union speech, BY FAR, is watching your delightfully animated face as you furrow your brow with an expression that says, "Come on Joe! Focus. You can't do the Arsenio Hall WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! until the end...". I love your silly faces only slightly more than I love Nancy Pelosi's frozen expression. She has to clap and stand to express her approval since her face is immobile. This speech to uber entertaining.

Best of luck being on your best behavior Joe!
xoxoxo
~FAN/Voter
P.S. Go Scranton!!