Dear Val,
Thanks so much for leaving a little reminder of you in my suitcase. I really enjoyed putting on my tshirt to go running, only to smell cat piss. I looked down, the entire front of the shirt was stained with your disgusting urine. Thanks for the reminder that you need to become an outdoor pet when I come home.
Hope you enjoy cold weather,
your mom
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Dear Man in the Bowler Hat
Dear Man in the Bowler Hat,
You really stepped it up today, heh? I appreciate your sense of style, and your flair for accessories. From the neck up you look so cool, because you're being uncool. You're playing that hipster mind game of how uncool can be compound exponentially to create levels of cool that are beyond the average person's comprehension. You were doing so well until you decided to throw on jeans, sneakers, and a fleece with the bowler hat as you push your kid's stroller around town. From a distance, it's intriguing, but as you approach I heard the sad horns play, "Wha wha wha". Epic fail in the fashion department.
I'm just sayin'....
~Boo to the Bowler
P.S. You do NOT look cool like Pierce Brosnan in "The Crown Affair" in case that was the look you were going for. IF he were to push his kid in a stroller, it would be made by Porsche, remote controlled, and he'd wear an Italian suit. Let that marinate a little before you pick out your next fashion combo.
You really stepped it up today, heh? I appreciate your sense of style, and your flair for accessories. From the neck up you look so cool, because you're being uncool. You're playing that hipster mind game of how uncool can be compound exponentially to create levels of cool that are beyond the average person's comprehension. You were doing so well until you decided to throw on jeans, sneakers, and a fleece with the bowler hat as you push your kid's stroller around town. From a distance, it's intriguing, but as you approach I heard the sad horns play, "Wha wha wha". Epic fail in the fashion department.
I'm just sayin'....
~Boo to the Bowler
P.S. You do NOT look cool like Pierce Brosnan in "The Crown Affair" in case that was the look you were going for. IF he were to push his kid in a stroller, it would be made by Porsche, remote controlled, and he'd wear an Italian suit. Let that marinate a little before you pick out your next fashion combo.
Dear Bananas
Dear Bananas,
I'm not ready to commit to saying I love you, but I like you, well...most of you. I appreciate that you are nutritious and 58 cents a pound, but the brown spots are so unnecessary. You've got that great comic appeal (get it, a peel), but you make me gag when I eat the squishy, sugary, brown parts. You would think that the brown sugary bit would be delicious, like chocolate or coca cola, but no. It's just like Slimer from Ghost Busters punching me in the back of the throat. Ew. I would really appreciate if you could work on growing a thicker skin so when I throw in my purse you don't turn to pudding before it's time to eat you for my afternoon snack.
Thoughtfully yours,
Gagging in the library
P.S. Also, if you could work on not giving me heartburn too that'd be swell.
I'm not ready to commit to saying I love you, but I like you, well...most of you. I appreciate that you are nutritious and 58 cents a pound, but the brown spots are so unnecessary. You've got that great comic appeal (get it, a peel), but you make me gag when I eat the squishy, sugary, brown parts. You would think that the brown sugary bit would be delicious, like chocolate or coca cola, but no. It's just like Slimer from Ghost Busters punching me in the back of the throat. Ew. I would really appreciate if you could work on growing a thicker skin so when I throw in my purse you don't turn to pudding before it's time to eat you for my afternoon snack.
Thoughtfully yours,
Gagging in the library
P.S. Also, if you could work on not giving me heartburn too that'd be swell.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Dearsoandsoyouknowhoyouare
Dearsoandsoyouknowhoyouare,
Kudos for printing letters you don't agree with aka: Global Warming. It takes a strong blogger to post views you know are a bit bogus. Keep up the good work and I look forward to new cattiness.
XOXO,
your mom
Kudos for printing letters you don't agree with aka: Global Warming. It takes a strong blogger to post views you know are a bit bogus. Keep up the good work and I look forward to new cattiness.
XOXO,
your mom
Dear USA Hockey Team
Dear USA Hockey Team,
YOU GUYS ROCK! After all the trash the Canadians talked; "we invented the game and dominate the game," they lost 5-3! Take that, Canada!
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Team USA fan
YOU GUYS ROCK! After all the trash the Canadians talked; "we invented the game and dominate the game," they lost 5-3! Take that, Canada!
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
Team USA fan
Dear Delta (and ATL airport)
Dear Delta (and ATL airport),
Do you realize you suck? Hmmm....you probably do, based on the number of people screaming at you right now. Don't be mad at us, its not our fault you decided to not let planes land this morning, and there is a long line of people who missed there flight even though flight attendants assured us that all planes are delayed. Here is a hint to make the day a little less stressful: quit talking to one another, and do your job handling customer questions. Four of you helping one person only pisses us in line off more.
Trying to navigate the unfriendly skies,
Frequent Traveler
Do you realize you suck? Hmmm....you probably do, based on the number of people screaming at you right now. Don't be mad at us, its not our fault you decided to not let planes land this morning, and there is a long line of people who missed there flight even though flight attendants assured us that all planes are delayed. Here is a hint to make the day a little less stressful: quit talking to one another, and do your job handling customer questions. Four of you helping one person only pisses us in line off more.
Trying to navigate the unfriendly skies,
Frequent Traveler
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Dear NBC
Dear NBC,
I am confused, can you please help me understand the rationale? Do you think more people, on a Sunday night, would rather watch ICE DANCING or one of the biggest hockey games of the Olympics, US vs Canada?? AND THE US IS ACTUALLY WINNING! Seriously, ice dancing is like a stronger form of Ambien to me. I am already yawning. Bad call NBC, bad call. I am not a huge fan of hockey, but its better than lame-ass dancing on ice, which you have been hyping on cable networks all weekend with Lady Gaga music on under the voice over. VOMIT.
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL,
Lady Gaga
I am confused, can you please help me understand the rationale? Do you think more people, on a Sunday night, would rather watch ICE DANCING or one of the biggest hockey games of the Olympics, US vs Canada?? AND THE US IS ACTUALLY WINNING! Seriously, ice dancing is like a stronger form of Ambien to me. I am already yawning. Bad call NBC, bad call. I am not a huge fan of hockey, but its better than lame-ass dancing on ice, which you have been hyping on cable networks all weekend with Lady Gaga music on under the voice over. VOMIT.
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL,
Lady Gaga
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