Dear Walmart Shopper girl,
I realize that Saturday morning is an extremely casual time and that rolling out of bed is a major accomplishment. However, I must protest when I see you and your extreme fake and bake tan, ass the size of 2 country hams, silk boxer shorts that are creeping where they shouldn't because they are 2 sizes 2 small and UGGGH boots on, walking through the cookie aisle. My God woman, do you not realize how ridiculous you look? I saw enough cellulite to sink a battle ship! Do you not realize that there are children in Walmart who will likely now be in therapy and on Zyprexa for the rest of their natural born lives from seeing this sight?!?!? The Good Lord only know how many grandma's and grandpa's you sent running for the nursing homes! Please, in the name of all that is holy, never go out in public looking like that again. It is events like this that make be believe we have way too many participants in the gene pool.
Love ya,
What should be, but obviously isn't, your common sense
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Dear the Greatest Sports Town in America, Pittsburg
Dear the Greatest Sports Town in America, Pittsburg,
There has been some debate for years over who has the greatest sports fans, is it Chicago, St. Louis, Philadelphia etc. As of last night, the votes are in and that crown belongs to the people of Pittsburg PA. During introductions for the Pittsburg Penguins game last night, Pittsburgh booed their own player, recent Canadian Olympian, Sidney Crosby, who just happened to score the winning goal against team USA in the gold medal game. They then went on to give a standing ovation to Buffalo Sabres and US Olympic team goalie, Ryan Miller!!! Now that is what I call having your priorities straight!!! Very tough love coming from a working class American city!! Pro team allegiance aside, your country comes first!!!
God Bless America
Uncle Sam
There has been some debate for years over who has the greatest sports fans, is it Chicago, St. Louis, Philadelphia etc. As of last night, the votes are in and that crown belongs to the people of Pittsburg PA. During introductions for the Pittsburg Penguins game last night, Pittsburgh booed their own player, recent Canadian Olympian, Sidney Crosby, who just happened to score the winning goal against team USA in the gold medal game. They then went on to give a standing ovation to Buffalo Sabres and US Olympic team goalie, Ryan Miller!!! Now that is what I call having your priorities straight!!! Very tough love coming from a working class American city!! Pro team allegiance aside, your country comes first!!!
God Bless America
Uncle Sam
Dear Little Debbie
Dear Little Debbie,
It is that time of year - Easter cake time! You have managed to create a delicious sugary treat for every possible holiday throughout the year. I see them near the check out lane, in all their impulse purchase glory. I of course, succumb to the confectionery delight, not to mention the extra caloric intake. How do you make them all so wonderfully delicious and irresistible? If I could marry an Easter cake, I think I would. Thank you for the delicious afternoon snack...and sometimes evening dessert.
Sugar-high,
diabetic
It is that time of year - Easter cake time! You have managed to create a delicious sugary treat for every possible holiday throughout the year. I see them near the check out lane, in all their impulse purchase glory. I of course, succumb to the confectionery delight, not to mention the extra caloric intake. How do you make them all so wonderfully delicious and irresistible? If I could marry an Easter cake, I think I would. Thank you for the delicious afternoon snack...and sometimes evening dessert.
Sugar-high,
diabetic
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Dear Wal-Mart shoppers
Dear Wal-Mart shoppers,
You have left nothing to your fellow shoppers imaginations, middle-aged Wal-Mart shoppers. 2 new pillows, check. New navy blue sheets, check. 5 minute battle over whether or not to buy KY Intense, check. Have fun grandma and grandpa. I am going to go throw up my dinner now. Thanks for the new diet.
Ew.
Me
You have left nothing to your fellow shoppers imaginations, middle-aged Wal-Mart shoppers. 2 new pillows, check. New navy blue sheets, check. 5 minute battle over whether or not to buy KY Intense, check. Have fun grandma and grandpa. I am going to go throw up my dinner now. Thanks for the new diet.
Ew.
Me
Dear bankrupt local bank
Dear bankrupt local bank,
It totally sucks you managed yourself so poorly you went under. It sucks even more we have to pay for it, with a new card, new account numbers, new pins, and new late charges because some of us are responsible and have bills paid automatically every month because our card was denied due to a new card being issued! YOU SUCK.
My new debit card is ugly,
bill-payer
It totally sucks you managed yourself so poorly you went under. It sucks even more we have to pay for it, with a new card, new account numbers, new pins, and new late charges because some of us are responsible and have bills paid automatically every month because our card was denied due to a new card being issued! YOU SUCK.
My new debit card is ugly,
bill-payer
Monday, March 1, 2010
Dear Little Richard
Dear Little Richard,
Celebrity card dealer by day, karaoke performer by night! I LOVE YOU LAS VEGAS! Where else can you see such entertainment? NO WHERE! Only at the Imperial Palace, baby!
A once a year must,
Cher
Celebrity card dealer by day, karaoke performer by night! I LOVE YOU LAS VEGAS! Where else can you see such entertainment? NO WHERE! Only at the Imperial Palace, baby!
A once a year must,
Cher
Dear Grandma in line at security
Dear Grandma in line at security,
Have you traveled since the invention of the airplane? I am guessing you go to Las Vegas via plane, so you have to know the rules provided, for our safety, from TSA. You can not bring more than 3 oz of liquids on the plane. So...that being said, pretty sure the liter of Smirnoff you tried to bring through in your purse is a no go. As the security guard says "people, the party stops here, folks!" I have to admire your spunk though.
Viva Las Vegas,
Elvis
Have you traveled since the invention of the airplane? I am guessing you go to Las Vegas via plane, so you have to know the rules provided, for our safety, from TSA. You can not bring more than 3 oz of liquids on the plane. So...that being said, pretty sure the liter of Smirnoff you tried to bring through in your purse is a no go. As the security guard says "people, the party stops here, folks!" I have to admire your spunk though.
Viva Las Vegas,
Elvis
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