Dear Verizon - YOU SUCK

Dear Verizon,

I loathe you. You have the WORST customer service of any business, EVER. You lie, cheat and steal from your customers. I think you actually train your employees to suck. I think you have to suck to work for Verizon. After talking to your sucky employees on the phone about how you have once again screwed up a bill, I decide to actually go talk in person to your sucky employees. And what greets me? Fucking medieval times. So your employees can suck AND wear costumes? Come on! Her boobs practically welcomes guests in the parking lot, and it was not welcome! Do your employees feast on turkey legs at the service counter in front of customers too? Do you ride horses and do battle? Oh wait, its a verbal attack on me, every fucking time I walk in the door. I fully recognize you will not change, and I am stuck with you. But can you at least ask your employees to wear REAL clothes that don't make me feel like you think your business REALLY is a joke?

I support the black knight,
Over Verizon

Dear Kroger

Dear Kroger,

Columbus, what is going on? There is no need for this. I expect more from you. I understand its a holiday weekend, time to kick back and relax, but I don't think that needs to involve your entire hind end in full view of everyone trying to purchase tasty treats for family cookouts. I actually lost my appetite to be quite honest. When shopping, Columbus, I request please cover your ass.

PS - fall is here- cover your bum you won't want frost bite.

Full Moon,

Kroger Shopper

Dear Previous Posts

Dear Previous Posts,

Reflecting on March 8 and March 17, 2010 posts, I realized I am smarter than I give myself credit for!

Learning to trust gut instinct,
OK

Dear Dearsoandsoityouknowwhoyouare,

Dear Dearsoandsoityouknowwhoyouare,

As author of this blog I have failed! How can over 16 months go by without an update? Re-reading this, I forgot how funny I am. Time to unleash the fun, frustration and fabulousness.

Get ready!

Committed,
ME

Dear TSA

Dear TSA,
I appreciate the fact that security has beefed up in light of recent terrorist threats. But come on, my bra should not set off the metal detectors. Thanks for making the trip home a little more interesting with the pat down and the over the tshirt examination of my boobs. Perhaps I should travel without a bra on?

Just tryin' to get fresh?
Frequent traveler

Dear Daniel, part deux

The souffle chef (sans teeth)

Member of dinner party feeding souffle chef

Member of dinner party helping Daniel with his presentation of the menu

Dear Daniel, part deux,

Upon further reflection of pictures from my phone, I realize why you were so nervous. We were total obnoxious jackholes. We made you bring out the souffle chef, we fed the souffle chef, we drank a magnum of wine, and we helped you describe the menu to other patrons. But hey- you amde over 20%, so I'd like to think we are still friends. I will facebook you; afterall, you did sign the wine bottle with us. Thanks for putting up with us. Food was delish!

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol,

Full bellies

Dear Firefighters

Dear Firefighters,
Once a year, you descend upon the streets of Indianapolis in all of your glory. You go out drinking til the wee hours, spend your government per diem on hookers, wings and beer, and make the ladies in Indy get bikini waxes. And you also roll up in to town in some pretty pimp rides. I must admit, when I saw an ambulance pull up to the Canterbury, I was not expecting 8 bags of luggage to emerge from the back. Kudos to you, fighters or the fire. Keep on spending the dollars. We have 3 stadiums to pay for!

Naptown Rocks,
Showmaster

Dear Daniel and Larry

Dear Daniel and Larry,
Oh what a night. I am not sure what I enjoyed more; how nervous we made you Daniel, or how Larry the Lobster loved being pet so much. Larry- you lived to see another day. We did not consume you. Daniel, people make you nervous, which makes me question why you are on staff at a 5-star restaurant. Your hands were shaking and you spoke so fast I could not understand a word out of your mouth. But you did keep the drinks coming and give us a laugh. And yea, maybe we were a little obnoxious. But you won me over with petting Larry while walking us through the menu. I heart you. Don't worry, we will be facebook friends.

Bon Appetite!
Larry Lover

Dear Tetris-shaped bushes owner

Dear Tetris-shaped bushes owner,
I appreciate your public devotion to the game in your front yard...but...don't you think that looks a little odd? I mean, your guests must walk through a shrub cave to get to your front door. Why not....cut them so they are all level? One can only imagine what the siding looks like behind there, let alone the bugs. When you live on a busy street, its a nice idea to keep your house looking nice and neat...but not Tetris-neat.

I like clean lines,
Bob Villa

Dear Farmers

Dear Farmers,
I now know where transformers came from! They came from farm equipment. Your equipment looks kinda ok and then you put your farm equipment to work and this small tractor becomes a piece of equipment that can block 4 lanes of highway!!! I love the mid west!! I'm ok with the traffic disruption.

Thank you Farmers,
A Consumer

Dear Lady in the Red Pajamas

Dear Lady in the Red Pajamas,
You made my day. I was driving to work in a crappy mood when I saw you chasing and shooing your ducks across the road. You were very intent on getting your ducks home and they were intent on waddling down 450 North. Thanks for making me laugh and getting your precious ducks back home!

Love,
the Lady who stopped traffic for you.

PS where do you get those jammies??? Rural King?

Dear Back to the Future

Dear Back to the Future,
Thank you for the laugh. The green, pink, yellow lettering really took me back. For a second, I thought it just might be Michael J Fox in the drivers seat. Window paint should really be outlawed for this very reason. Just because you driver a Lancer that vaguely resembles the vehicle from the movie does not mean you should write it on your car.

To infinity and beyond,

ME

Dear Glee

Dear Glee,
Welcome back. I'm especially looking forward to the Madonna episode and the classic spitfire rants of Sue Sylvester. And, as glad as I am to reconnect with favorites (Rachel, Puck), I would really appreciate some more screen time for the lesser players: I'm talking about you Other Asian and Brittany.

Becky Jackson for Head Cheerleader,
Kyle

Dear Man in Madras Print Suit

Dear Man in Madras Print Suit,
Douchebags anonymous called after you ran out on the meeting. You look fucking ridiculous. If you wore that in my neighborhood you would be shot. For being a douche. Next time you rifle through your closet for another fashion tradgedy try to pick something that doesn't look like a picnic vomited on you.

My eyes hurt,
Enjoying the weather

Dear Cell Phone Asshole,

Dear Obnoxious Guy on His Cell for 5 Minutes on the SILENT floor of the library,

Yeah, that's right. I just disgustingly put a piece of sushi the size of my fist in my mouth in front of you because if you're going to be rude and talk on your phone so the whole floor can hear, I'm going to be rude and eat like a circus creature in front of you. Take that.

STUFF IT!

~me

Dear Body

Dear Body,
Do you know how much it sucks that you are getting older? The knee hurts when I run. I can't sleep at night. I wake up to pee 2-3 time a night. AND the liver is not as strong as it used to be. It also now takes days to recover from a 2am night. STOP getting old, and stay the way you are, please. I enjoy karaoking until the wee hours of the morning as well as making an ass of myself on the dancefloor "riding the pony".

Forever young,
ME

Dear Lady on her Cell Phone While Pooping at Work

Dear Lady on her Cell Phone While Pooping at Work,
Whoa. That is like a triple faux...pooh. I am horrified. At least I had the good sense to wash my hands before running out while you coordinated dropping the kids off at the pool...in multiple ways.

VOMIT IN MY MOUTH,
Co-worker

Dear Man Playing the Flute While Walking Down the Street

Dear Man Playing the Flute While Walking Down the Street,
I like that you felt under-accessorized with your reed flute/recorder as you walk down L St and you decided to jazz up the outfit with the red crocheted "man satchel". Nothing says manly like walking down the street playing a reed flute in sandals with a purse.

Rock on modern man, I need coffee

Dear Post Office

Dear Post Office on M Street,
Thank you for cranking the sexy time jams on the intercom. While waiting in line for 20 minutes to mail two envelopes, I was soothed by the sultry melodies of some late 90's R&B songs, some of which I distinctly remember NOT dancing to at middle and high school dances. Now normally I dig the old motown and Bob Marley you have playing, but today must be a special day. Next time you play some slow, sweet, saxy jams dim the lights and pass out some dixie cups of cognac. People will be making love connections faster than you can sell those Forever Stamps. If you're not offering service with a smile, at least it can sound like you're offering service with a happy ending.

It WAS as good for me as it was for you.
~Pleased poster

Dear Charles

Dear Charles the Crossing Guard,
I love you. Yep, you brighten my morning by saying things like, "You always have the most beautiful smile." And, the classic question as I eat oatmeal out of a red Solo cup, "You got Hennessy in there?" No sir, I do not generally drink alcohol on my way to work, but thank you for asking. I understand how the disposable party cup might throw you off, and I do walk past three liquor stores on my way to the metro so perhaps I might need a little pep in the morning, but I typically wait until at least noon before a little happy hour. I highly enjoy our awkward morning exchanges, for example, "I didn't know you wear glasses?" Sir, not sure you really know my name let alone the status of my vision issues. I remember your name because I got sick of saying good morning for six months without knowing yours so I just asked and now you're in the awkward position of not wanting to ask me mine again. Nonetheless, my day doesn't start without some coffee and an awkward/pleasant conversation with you about the weather, my breakfast, or any other sundry compliments you feel the need to tell me. If I were about 30 years older, I'd let you buy me some Hennessy for my oatmeal cup.
Thanks for being a friendly face,
~Ms. Sunshine